Evangelion rebuild 30 10 Shinji Ose the song of agony
by Beeelzebub
Summary: what happens when in the journey for truth,you find it,but it takes more then you were willing to pay...what will happen to shinji,as the rest of his world crumbles around him... what will he become?
1. regret

**i do not own evangelion or it's characters,this fanfic is only for creativite purpose**.

**chapter 1:regret**

**i know everything happens for a reason,but sometimes. . .i wish i knew what the reason was.**

this takes place after the assault on Euro nerv a.k.a. paris.

quiet..

that's how the world seems to me...

why...

i catch myself asking that a LOT,everytime i think about what lead to this moment...

me being guilty of destroying the world,not being able to save ayanami,not being able to help kaworu.

my blindness,me being single minded nearly finished destroying the rest of the world.

murdering the city i swore to protect,and no matter how much i try...

ThEir BlOoD aRe AlwAyS On my HanDs!

_AnD theIR VoiceS Won'T STOP!_

_IKARI!ITSALLYOURFAULT!MURDERER!DEMONYOUAREAWORTHLESSPIECEOFTHRASH!_

from now on...

you won't be doing anything.

we find the pilots entering the rural area of tokyo-2.

asuka still dragging the catatonic third child by his arm,the ayanami type following close behind.

"god. . .is like i am taking a corpse for a walk..."asuka looked at the third child,still irresponsive.

"you could at least apologise for not helping me you know..."asuka poked the subject hoping to get a response.

nothing.

he has been like this for days,sometimes he would cry mumbling something in his sleep.

she looked ahead.*no time to think about this now,we need to get to a place where wille can come and pick is up.*

she looked around her...the destruction,the evas and the smell of lcl in the air.

shinji suddenly dropped to his knees and hands,and the contents of his stomach expelled out.

"what the-"asuka jumped off trying not to get any of the vomit on her.

shinji gasped for air.

"okay...this is new...but we need to get going,i am not gonna babysit you because you're feeling ill.

"why..."shinji asked.

"huh?...why what?"asuka asked confused by the question.

"w-why did all of this happen?"he started sobbing.

"did you forget?"asuka asked sarcastically*of course he knows...he's just in denial.*

"you tried saving your little doll by awakening the evangelion,and in the process nearly caused thrid impact,and now to top it all off,you drove another eva and nearly destroyed the world,AGAIN!*

"i'm sorry"shinji said looking at the ground,ashamed,tears starting to appear on his face.

"that's all you can say now?"asuka asked a bit irritated by his habit*he always does this,before he always apologized for something out of his control or something stupid...now it pisses me off because he won't man up and admit his mistakes!"

"i only wanted to help..."shinji said bearly in a whisper,but loud enough for asuka to catch what he said.

asuka sighed"just stop making stupid decisions,and come on,we need to go!"

shinji got up,shaking from the sudden shock.

asuka looked at him "come on" she did not offer him her hand.

the ayanami type walked a little behind her,leaving shinji alone for a second.

"...what do i do now?" he asked the wind.

silence.

he started to walk,only if he knew what cruel fate would change his destiny...forever.

**_Euro nerv._**

subcommander ritsuko akagi was just done changing from the plug suit,the operation was a sucess,paris was restored and the new eva parts would be put to good use.

she entered the deck anouncing herself"the operation was a sucess,damage to the legs of unit-08,but the legs can be repaired.

commander misato katsuragi was silent.

akagi looked at the colonels pocket.*the detonator of the colar...*

after the prevention of the 4th impact as the wunder was retreating,misato looked at the chokers controler showing (auto-detonation sucessful subject executed).

after that commander katsuragi putted on an iron façade in front of the crew,but ritsuko knew that deep down,a storm of emotions was happening in misatos head.

"good..."misato lifted her face up"begin repair of unit 08 and unit 02,after this we will send a team to retrieve shikinami"misato barked her orders to the crew.

ritsuko still looking at her,remenbered how she hesitated to pull the trigger on the detonator,and the talk that came after that incident.

**_flash back_**

_shinji ikari has just been captured by the ayanami series in an eva._

ritsuko and misato were now in a meeting room,and ristuko could feel misatos emotions in conflict,should she be the captain and the colonel and execute him in cold blood for the greater good..?

would she execute the third child?

would she kill her ward?

kill her roomate...

"after all these years.."misato said,catching akagi attention.

"after 14 years of the hell he put us through...i coudn"t find the streght to kill him."

"no one blames you for that..."ritsuko tried to confort her.

"the look on his eyes..."misato said her tone betraying her.

"yes...for him that uneventfull day was a couple of days ago,as for us...we lived years in this war."

"i can't do this ritsuko...not after all we did to him,after all he vent through."

"the crew needs you to be strong,we got him back from unit 01 because of the suden activation in the orbit."ritsuko tried to ease her friends pain over her old ward.

"what do you think is gonna happen to him..?"misato already knew that answer, but she wanted to know what her friend thought.

ritsuko looked down and sighed"knowing gendo..."

"let's say that now,he has one more pawn to play with..."ritsuko said,it was cruel but it was the truth,gendo was still a cold bastard after all these years,even his own son was disposable,gendo didn't so much as wave his hand as his own son was banished into space with unit 01.

"you're right."she adjusted her cap.

"wunder still needs it's captain."misato went back to her military persona.

**_end of flashback_**

misato still cares about the boy.

but as cruel as that is,i really wish he is dead,he is way too dangerous to be kept around.*ritsuko thought to herself.

**_at the docks of the wunder_**

unit 08 was being placed back in the lcl for repairs,both legs twisted in an unnatural way.

mari hopped out of the eva,wincing a little bit remenbering what the 4444c did to her evas legs."nyaaaa,this is gonna be sore tomorrow."

a young medic went to her and asked."miss makinami,are you okay?do you need any aid?"

mari looked at the young boy and smiled a little,petting him on the head."dont worry~"

she flexed her arm and grabbed her bicep with the other hand." i am a tough cookie."

the young medic blushed nodded and walked off.

"you're a bad liar..."mari looked at the source of the voice,it was sakura...

"nya is puppies little care taker~"sakura giggled,but the look on her face got sour,she remenbered the rumours around the wunder,that the third child was dead.

"yeah...i think i "was" mister ikari's medic".sakura did not blame shinji for his mistakes,some part of the crew didn't as well,but most feared what he would do inside an eva,and the recent event didn't help either.

mari mused for a second."was..?"mari playing dumb...she knew the bs that went around the ship,she didn't tell anyone puppy boy was alive just to see the look of hope she wanted to see the major show.

"you got fired?"mari asked.

"huh?"

"well i need to go to a reunion,to report to the major~"mari started to walk off,but stopped and got a big cat grim on her face.

why not kill two birds with one stone?*she though to her self.

"hey sakura,wanna come and make me company~?"mari asked playing innocent.

"what...?but it's only you and the major..."

"nyaaa i think you wanna hear what i have to say~"

sakura got even more confused."but i can't go,i am not authorized.

"i'll tell her i felt a little light headed and asked you to come along,how's that?"

after ikari shinji left she was doing simple tasks,and she got really bored by then.*just a little wouldn't hurt...*

"okay,i'll go"sakura said.

"grrreat ma cherie~"mari put her arm around sakura neck and dragged her."come on,you're gonne love this surprise."

the colonel too~

**_wunder main deck_**

the doors opened to reveal mari with sakura close behind,the crew was busy typing away and ordering repairs on the evas.

katsuragi noticed then."makinami...suzuhara?"

sakura got her salute position on"yes ma'am."

"what are you doing here?"katsuragi asked"this meeting is with makinami."

"sorry ma'am,makinami didn't feel well so i came along to keep an eye on her..."sakura lied out as best as she could.

misato looked at her questioning,then at mari holding her legs.

"nyaaa mari is hurtie~"

"uhum"misato didn't trust mari too much,she always got the feeling that the girl was hiding something,or just playing dumb.

"very well,you may stay."misato exhaled"status reports".

mari snapped at a joking salute."yesss ma'am besides the two broken legs aaand nearly being fried alive,eva unit 08 is fine and still working."

"excellent...and your legs?"misato asked"anything we should worry about?"

"just some sores by the next morning,but besides that i am fine~."mari winked.

ritsuko cringed a little bit.*i still can't help but get unneasy at this girl,she's waay to relaxed,even after nearly dying several times and having the most painful wounds,she acts like is some sort inconvenience to her.*ritsuko thought.

"great,next mission we'll retrieve shikinami,we'll just have to hope that she found her way to the surroundings of ground zero..."misato was a captain in the first place,but she still had a little soft spot for the proud german girl.

hehehe,aaand action!*"but what about puppy boy?"she played dumb again.

misato wans't clueless about shinjis nickname,she heard mari call him by that name many times...as to why the nickname...she could only imagine.

misato put her façade up yet again"the third was executed by the choker."

"nyyyoooo,he was not"mari said a smug smile on her face,that statement got the attention of misato,ritsuko and the crew members...some looked horrified,some indignified...

they really dislike him that much huh...*mari thought.

but two of then showed a little...relief?

aoba and hyuga...the old nerv bridge bunnies.*so you guys only hate him on one side of the coin huh?*

misato was surprised to hear that but got angry pretty fast.*how?*"the colar showed that he wa-"

mari cut her off" the colar went into someone elses neck..."

misato didn't understand what was happening,shinji was alive!

ritsuko wasn't having any of that."that's impossible mari nothing can deactivate the colar."

"tell that to the puppy,ask him how he is alive when you fetch him and the princess"mari was still just a relaxed as ever.

ritsuko looked at commander katsuragi.

misato was holding so hard to the catwalk bars, it looked like they were going to snap under the pressure of her grip."since when...you knew...about that...information ?"

"since we averted the 4th impact..."mari was having the time of her life.*you still care about him,if you didn't you wouldn't be so mad about that information colonel...*Mari thought.

misato was not angry,she was MAD!"GODDAMINT MAKINAMI HE'S A DANGER TO THE WHOLE WORLD!"

misato was a thurmoil,but deep down...she was glad her ward was still alive.*we need get him !*misato thought.

misato looked at the bridge technicians like their life was on the line."HURRY WITH THE REPAIRS THIS IS A CODE RED,COME ON!"

sakura was awed"he is alive."

mari looked at sakura"yep we are bringing him back."

misato looked annoyed at mari*i'll deal with you later...but now.*

misato could only dream about what was happening,now with asuka and shinji.

ritsuko was a little fearful of the third child being alive,but she was a little glad she did not kill him.

"heh"

katsuragi looked at the subcommander"what's so funny?"misato asked her friend with a little anger and amusement.

ritsuko was looking at the ground in though"you know...after what asuka did to the bullet proof glass...i can only imagine if he's still in one piece."

sakura cringed at that statement.*how can someone crack a bullet proof glass with their bare fists!*sakura thought.

mari only looked at the people discussing the obvious...*no she's not gonna do anything to him...*mari looked at red sky at one of the windows*because just like the colonel...*mari thought,looking out one of the wunder's small Windows.

**_at tokyo-2 unknowm district_**

_*she has a soft spot for him too...*_

"HURRY THE HELL UP OR I AM GONNA DRAG YOU BY YOUR HAIR!"*god he's slow...*asuka thought,she was not happy with how shinji was taking his sweet time walking behind then,still looking pathetic as ever...

the ayanami type looked behind then to see a shinji ikari trying to catch up with them...only to trip on a rock and fall face first on red ground.

asuka facepalmed"i did not sign up for this..."

shinji got up and paced himself a little quicker,after catching up with the two,he just stood there like a catatonic manequinn,just looking as miserable as ever...

asuka was starting to think he was doing this to piss her off,she held him by the lower lip."look,you wanna stay here and die FINE!but don't make me wait a year for you to reboot your brain!"

"he can't reboot,that's ilogical..."the ayanami type said.

asuka rolled her eyes and grunted."i didn't say it like that,i said he-aaaah!"*why am i trying to explain to this thing what figurative language means.*asuka thought,and she started to think dragging the brat and letting the robot come along was a mistake.

asuka let go of his lip and continued to walk off into the direction she thought a rescue team would see them."wasting my goddamn time..."

ayanami followed.

but shinii just stood there and waited...

they're gone.

he sighed a little tear running down his face."if i am that much of a burden."

shinji wrapped himself in a little cloath he found nearby."then might as well do the job that colar failed to do."

he started to walk in the other direction,he looked at a group of mountains.

but before he started to head there,he looked at where asuka disapeared..."goodbye asuka,i only wish i could fix what wrong i did in this world.

shinii started to walk...without a clue of what he was gonna do...he only wanted peace to think.

the twisted voices started to chant he's name again."i-i-..."he started to hicup"i just want to stop hurting then..."

**_. . ._****_1 hours later_**

asuka was thinking about what she said*he wanted to fix things,make it right...*she thought to herself.

but in that process he nearly destroyed the world.*"destroyed.."asuka was starting to remenber the time misato told her,what he nearly did to the geofront,when the dummy plug nearly crushed her to death.

why...?*

**_flash back_**

"he did what?!"asuka nearly screeched misato and mari both looking at her.

"yep...he tore off armor plates and went straight to the geofront,and started stomping the thing"misato said a little melancholia remenbering her ward.

mari saw the opportunity and took it"nyaaaaa~ such a romeo~"

asuka was starting to loose her temper with this girl.*who is she anyway!?*asuka screamed in her mind.

"and later gendo locked him up,after a week he was free,i think that was the final straw,he quited driving evangelion because you got hurt.

"and then,the 10th atacked..."mari said a little distasted by the angel that moped the floor with her.

misato didn't like remenbering that history,but asuka should know what changed during the 3 years she was out in a coma."we didn't have any pilots avaible,mari tried to fight the angel with unit 02...but even after the eva lost the limiters that wasn't enough..."

"then after i crashed in a shelter,i found him hiding,when i showed him what was hapening,he went straight for unit 01"mari rebembered it all so clear.

misato noded."he fought with all he got,but he was alone...rei got devoured with unit 0,after a suicide atack with an n2 mine."

"the power ran out...then..."mari paused

"...then what?"asuka asked.

"the eva awakened..." mari smiled sadly knowing what happens to the pilot after.

"...awakened?!"this didn't make sense to asuka."how can an eva awaken?!"

mari adjusted herself"when you wish for something that is beyond human capability,the eva goes beyond that,he wanted to retrieve his little friend after she got devoured by the angel..."mari explained.

"so when he wished for that,he absorved the angel along with the s2 organ...then."misato said growing more and more sad by the second.

asuka knew what was coming,she just heard what happened to unit 04 with the s2 organ."no..."

mari looked at her serious for the first time."...third impact."

**_end of flash back_**

asuka didn't know why he had gone so far to try and retrieve wonder girl...but that pained her to think...and this silence with those footsteps behind her...

wait.

asuka stopped in her tracks,she heard only one pair behind her.

she sighed.

not this again...*she turned around to shout at him."ALRIGHT THAT'S IT I AM DRAGGING YOU BY YOUR F-"asuka stopped on her tracks.

there was only the ayanami type...

"where's the third child?"

ayanami looked behind her..."he's gone..."

"REALLY SHERLOCK?!"asuka shouted."I CAN SEE THAT MYSELF!

asuka would really beat him up now..."HEY BRAT!where are you?!"

"i think,he took your advice..."said rei ayanami oblivious to the sitiuation.

asuka turned on her heels angry at the ayanami type."what advice?!what did i say to him?"

"if he wanted to die..."said rei

asuka was perplexed she didn'-

_"if you want to to stay here and die FINE!"_asuka froze.*he wouldn't...would he?*asuka thought a little fearful.

she sighed"he won't have the guts to do anything,he'll try to starve to death at best...,until then the wunder and wille will be here."but asuka got a bad feeling on her stomach.*something is not right...*asuka thought.

asuka started walking to the top of an old mountain where there was an old jssdf base,maybe they could radio the rescue team and after they where picked up, then they could find him.

rei ayanami was about to follow but...she felt like she needed to be with ikari,he needed her,rei started walking in the other direction.

asuka noticed that and turned."hey the base is this way!"but rei ignored her and went after the ikari boy.

asuka was starting to loose it now."FINE go after him,if you do find him say he is gonna be sorry for disapearing like that when i get my hands on him!"

then...rei went looking for shinji ikari...she didn't know how...but she knew where he was.

**_mountains at the surroundings of tokyo-2_**

i didn't know where i was going,how i would survive,or how could i help fix this without getting into those cursed THINGS!

shinji still remenbered the screams during the 4th impact,the pure horror and destruction he witnessed first hand."so that's why people look at me with despise...i would too if i needed to see the world ending...by my own...hands...

_shin..._

"huh?.."

_shinji..._

the wind was speaking to him?

_come to me..._

i am going insane...*shinji suddenly felt atracted to a section of the red forest...he didn't know why he just did...but at same time something was telling him that was a bad idea...he ignored it...*like i have anything else to loose or fear,besides another impact...but is just a couple of trees...

shinji walked inside the forest,but it was a bit hard to navigate,and it was getting dark,as he went deeper into the forest old storys would come to his mind.

he was never a fan of horror histories,its not like he was scared easily...is like-

shinji looked at the sky,and he could swear there were a pair of clouds in shape of clawed hands,closing around at the red stained moon...

...like they are just stupid to believe...like that one with the ghost that would cut your face to look just like her...

shinji needed to squeeze himself between the trees to pass them now...the forest was getting more dense.

the wind was howling something,shinji tried to understand,but all he could make out was...

"_...nephilim..."_

shinji studied a little bit of history ...nephilim were humans that were spawned from a demon and an angel.

knowing the two,i wouldn't like to see the result of the affair...*shinji thought.

shinji was stopped in his tracks as he noticed that he got into an open field...a little beatiful lake in the center...crystal clear water...*but how...all the water turned to lcl how did this one lake make it out untouched?*shinji questioned in his mind.

shinji noticed one thing too,it was quiet,peacefully quiet,he liked it.

he approached the lake...he was thristy from all the walking...he bent down to look at the water.*one thing people told me is never drink water from a lake...i could catch a disease...but honestly...*he thought a little sad.

"i couldn't care less..."shinji got a little bit of water on his hands and drank...

"it's clean...is like drinking from a filter...".he drank the water with joy...oh so sweet...there was a point where he couldn't wait for his hands to bring the water to his mouth,and he just shoved his face on the water...drinking gallons of the sweet liquid.

he took his face out of the water."whew, never was so glad to see drinkable water again..."

shinji got up and looked around,there was no moon,the clouds hid her away...but yet somehow the place emanated a "glow"...

all except one part...

shinji noticed it now...a huge tree...blacked like charcoal...

he remenbered one story, his classmates talking about a "devil tree" it would show you the way to your own hapiness,but with two prices to pay...

you would hurt those around you really badly,but you woudn't care,for all your hopes and dreams were drained...

you would never love again,you would be an "oni" an ogrer,a spirit of pure evil,wich lives for sole purpose of raining ruin at those around you.

he's friend said that tree would give water for the person to drink,if the water was sweet you could stay...but if it was sour and muddy you needed to leave imediatly,that's how the tree tests those that have "potential" if the water is sour and horrible it means you already have your hapiness,or you are vague and would only waste time.

shinji got at first a feeling of dread on his stomach,everything was adding up until now.*but if the water is sweet...i can have my hapiness...but if i become an oni...*shinji thought.

"doens't hurt to try..."

shinji remenbered he needed to be very respectful with the tree."greetings Akuma no ki..."

the tree did not respond."i can continue...okay."shinii didn't know why he was nervous...

"i lost my friends,my family and now,all i want is to just fix what i have...broke."shinji was tearing up.

"he he,i'm sorry,but i don't know what to do anymore...i lost my mother at a very young age,my father threw me to the side like i was nothing,and i-i- i b-broke the world."shinji was starting to cry.

'sob'

"...i don't know what to do!"shinji was almosy screaming when he said those words.

"god damn it...i just want to be happy..."

shinji was blind and choking with his tears.

'sob'

"WHY ME GOD DAMNIT!?I KNOW I SCREWED UP I KNOW I DESTROYED EVERYTHING!"shinji was weeping,almost screaming in agony for the world to listen to his pain.

"BUT ALL I WANTED WAS MY FRIEND BACK!...THE FIRST TIME I ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING OUT OF MY OWN DECISION AND ALL I END UP DOING IS DESTROYING ALL I EVER LOVED!MAYBE I SHOULD BECOME A DEMON! BECAUSE ALL I CAN SEEM TO DO IS KILL AND DESTROY ALL I EVER LOVE!"

silence

"...no simphaty,even from the devil...'hicup'..."shinji wiped his tears away with his cloath.

shinji looked at the tree...funny...

it was like the tree was waiting for him to do something...

"oh the next step..."shinji put his hand outward as expecting to receive somenthing but he knew this w-.

**_RUMBLE_**

the sound nearly made shinji jump out off his plug suit.

he looked up at the dried out leafs of the tree...and saw a single one fall.

"did that tree just..."shinji looked at his hand,the color of the leaf was..."red?...my friend said there was only 2 colors to receive...purple for yes and brown for no what does the red even mea-.

**_flash back tokyo-2 junior school_**

_"__just two leafs? that's boring takeshi~"_

_"well there's another option,but it's very rare my gramdpa told me..."_

_all the kids arounds the circle asked._

_"oh come on tell us!"_

_"we promise we won't tell anyone!"_

_takeshi calmed his friends down._

_"okay,okay i'll tell you guys..."_

_shinji was out of the group listening closely._

_"my granps said that if it gives you red...it will give you everything,you will be an all out oni but you will have control of your actions,that means the tree took pit on you and gave you it's most pure seed,the seed of pure evil"_

_the students were stunned by this._

_but shinji had different thoughs*as if that exists...*_

**_end of the flash back_**

looking at the leaf a single droplet of water fell on it...a tear...his tear...shinji felt himself smiling.*am i really so desperate as to fell happy for having the sympathy of a tree?*shinji thought.

shinji wiped his tear away."well...no turning back now..." shinji ate the leaf of the tree."

'gulp'

"nothing..."

sigh

shinji got up and was about to turn when he felt a wave of vertigo hit him.

his world went into a spiral.

what is this..?*he thought scared.

he was seeing red,and starting to feel like,something was trying to drill into his head.

i-i-i am light h-headed...i gonna-*

.

'thud'

shinji was laying right next to the tree.

the night was silent.

the breeze.

everything was calm.

.

until...

**AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!**

a horrid scream pierced the skies.

**continue...**

_next time on evangelion 3.01.0 shinji ose_ ikari.

_the wunder ready for departure._

_asuka getting in contact with the rescue team_.

_rei Q finally smilling,but as a wittering flower in the dawn,she is doomed._

_and shinji ikari finds a new friend in a face of the past,will this friend be his salvation, or will it be his ultimate doom?_

_find out in next chapter..._


	2. nightmares

**chapter 2:nightmares**

which one is the real nightmare?

the images your head shows you?

or the reality you have to live in?

**_???_**

shinji woke up to a pounding sound on the door..."come on you idiot!we are gonna be late!"shinji groaned."why does asuka always have to be so bossy?

wait.

asuka?

shinji sat up,he was in his bed,on misato's apartment,shinji shot up from his bed and dashed to the door,when he opened the door up,he nearly crashed on his other roomate."what the hell!?!"asuka shouted,surprised by her roomates nearly busting through the door open.

"asuka?"shinji asked,not believing in his eyes..."yeah idiot...look gonna make breakfast or what?"asuka walked off.shinji was baffled...how could he be back?was it all a dream?just a horrible nightmare?

asuka turned around again."hey!"this got shinji out of his confusion."and you better not forget the bento again,or i'll pound you for making me starve."asuka turned around again,heading to the kitchen."oh" he didn't know what to say or do...he just standed there with confusion writem all over his face."guess it was all a dream..."

**_a couple minutes later_**

asuka looked like she was enjoying her breakfast,but shinji couldn't rub off the nagging at back off his head,as he played with his food."something is not right..."shinji whispered.

"what is it?"asuka asked,shinji jumped a little bit,she heard me,shinji didn't intended for asuka to hear that,but if she heard might as well..."...hey asuka..."asuka looked up curious about what he was about to say."hmm what is it idiot?"same old nick name...better than brat i think."i wanna ask you something..."asuka looked a little amused by this."if you're asking for me to do the dishes,you can forget about it."...he he...somethings never change."is not that...is because i feel like something is wrong,like something is of-"

"HELLO LITTLE LOVE BIRDS!"asuka and shinji jumped at this,misato appeared out of nowhere."MEIN GOTT!you're gonna give us a heart attack!"misato got a big grim on her face."oooow~ so you're starting to think about shinji's well-being?"misato teased,yep that was the old misato...shinji looked at misato then at asuka...she was blushing."i only care about his health because i need a little help with the angels!"asuka exclamated."ooow i thought you two would be all lovey-doveyy for each other~"asuka was red and shinji felt his face burning."as if!"asuka shouted.

shinji saw the two argueing,he really was back,at the apartment,the life he threw in the garbage for eva,it was all back...it was such a blissful sight to behold,funny... asuka even said she nee-.

wait a second..."asuka..."his roomate glared at him."what!?"she looked still a little heated up from the argument."did you just say you 'needed' me to fight the angels?"asuka looked puzzled."yeah of course,i need help with those things."this is wrong...asuka is too much prideful to admit that she needs 'help' with something,especially fighting in eva!

shinji got up,knocking the chair hard on the ground,asuka and misato looked at him puzzled."what is it shinji?"misato asked."this is wrong!IT'S ALL WRONG!"shinji screamed."what is it you idiot?you starting to sound like you're gonna loose it."shinji was more and more paranoic by the second."YOU SAID YOU NEEDED HELP WITH THE EVA!"asuka backed off a little."yeah...so what?"asuka said sheepishly."YOU NEVER ASK FOR HELP!ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO EVA!"shinji was practically shouting at this point."shinji calm down,you need to relax."misato said.

shinji noticed another thing,misato never was a morning person,and she always,ALWAYS would fetch a cold beer in the fridge's door."AND YOU!"shinji screamed pointing at misato."WHY ARE YOU NOT DRINKING!?"misato looked scared."i-i'm trying to lay off the beer..."

. . .

"lay off the beer..."shinji sank back to his chair,that does it,this was not real,misato out of nowhere deciding to stop drinking?"this is a dream..."shinji looked at the fork in front of him,he snatched it,he put his hand on the table,and raised the fork in the air,now misato and asuka where freaking out."shinji!what are you doing!?"misato screamed."stop that you idiot!you're gonne hurt yourself!"asuka was far away from the table with her back to the fridge.

this is not real,it can't be real...it's just that damned tree messing with me!"oh god let this be a dream...or this is REALLY gonna hurt..."shinji prayed to whatever god that was looking at him now."well..."shinji was breathing pretty fast from the fear of having a kitchen fork driven through his hand."here goes nothing!"shinji brought the fork down with all his force.

"shinji!"misato shouted.

"stop that you idiot!"asuka screamed...then

nothing.

no pain,just the feeling of his empty fist hitting his hand...when shinji opened his eyes,the fork was gone..."so...it's really just a dream..."shinji said alivieated that he didn't just hurt himself,but also sad that this was all in his head.

"as it would be..."a voice...a very familiar voice."kaworu?"shinji looked at the source of the voice of his deceased friend...and there he was laying against the kitchen's door frame."hello there shinji ikari..."it was really him."kaworu..."shinji started to tear up a little,the last time he saw his best friend,was when his head-

**FLASH**

shinji hunched over,holding one hand on his mouth,and the other trying to find support on the tabble."oh yes..."kaworu looked at him,pleased at his reaction."you don't like this fantasy of your 'perfect day'."kaworu leaned over the blank faced asuka."i think you rather have this reality."kaworu held his hand up in a 'finger snapping' motion."dont you..?"kaworu looked at him with an evil grim.

**_snap_**

then it showered shinji,all of the thing's he's done,eva 03 fight,asukas hospitalization,abandoning eva,hiding,watching as the 10th angel consumed unit-0 along with rei,his failed fight with the angel,unit-01 awakening,third impact..."STOP...PLEASE!NO MORE!"shinji was crouched holding his head,trying to stop the voices and the events all around him."ALL I WANT IS TO FORGET ALL OF THIS!"shinji screamed.

"why?"kaworu asked,shinji looked up,all the sounds stoping...the only thing heard in the back ground was the destruction of third impact."didn't you want the real thing?this is the reality you have."kaworu had half a smirk on his face,no...that wasn't his friend,kaworu would never enjoy the suffering of another living being,shinji looked up at his unit-01 above in the sky shining red,like a monster out of an apocalyptic nightmare.

"who the hell are you!?"shinji was not having any of this,this thing taking his friends form,and staining his image with that grim façade..."oh I AM enjoying this believe me..."shinji was surprised,could he hear his thoughts?"we are inside your head...obvious i can listen to you..."shinji got up,angrily asking."WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?"the thing smirked even more,the smirk looking something out of a horror movie."to prove a point..."

"a...point?what kind of point is in torturing me with the images of m-m-m-"the thing made a puppet hand gesture,acting dumb"mah mah mah...your failure?"that pained shinji,he knew his failure in protecting his friends and the world,but that didn't mean it was easier swallowing that statement."well let's be honest...instead of you owning up to your mistakes,you hide like a child...scared of the world out there,so much so you had this..."the thing showed him his old cassette player."but...as far as i know..."the thing threw the cassette player in the air,and the old music player got in the hand of a stressed shinji ikari,who threw it by it's ear buds against the door out of frustration,they were both now staring at a scene,of the third child stressed and desperate by his situation.

"you took your first step out of your little safe zone into the 'wild world',you know i actually thought for a second that you would stop letting people dictate what you should or not do,or how you should act,by destroying one of the few things that tied you to your old man and your little world of fantasies,were you hide from the real world...but."the thing turned around,shinji looked behind him,the scene changing to the inside of a dark entry plug,with a catatonic shinji ikari in fetal position.the thing sighed."you ran yet again from reality,trying to avoid facing your responsibility."shinji was angry by this thing's audacity,was he calling me a coward?

"well yes...i am...you fit right in the definition of a coward."shinji shouted"i'm not a coward!i know what i did!isn't that enough?!"the thing smirked again."knowing and facing are two different things child,you know what you did,but every time you were forced to face the consequences of your actions,you just start whining like a baby,complaining about your hard life..."the thing started to walk to him in long and prideful steps."and you try to hide too,thinking that if you ignore the situation long enough,it will disarm itself,and you have the AUDACITY of saying you're not a coward...third child."

**FLASH**

his fathers face...he hated that face,the face of the man that used him and took all away from him."you know...he's not the only one to blame,did you try looking yourseld in the mirror?"the thing was within arms reach now,shinji was shaking out of anger and fear,what does he want?

"i want you to suffer,so i can be freed from the shackles of your weak morals,so i can feel the freedom and get out of the darkest side of your soul,because by pain you will adapt and over come,you will stop to care for others and do as you please,finally enjoying more of a life without restrains!"the thing cherished to the skyes,overcome with joy at the thought of it's freedom,but freedom from what?

as if on cue everything got dark,the thing started to twitch and blend into the darkness around it.

shinji took a step back,scared of what would happen.

"i Am...tHe dARkeSt thOUghTS iN yOur MiNd..."

a scene of shinji imagining him mauling his father alive,after the dummyplug incident .

**flash**

"no..."shinji shook his head.

"I aM...YouR DarKESt DeSIRes..."i don'tcare what happens to the world!" "stop it..."

"i AM YOuR deEPesT seCrETS..."shinji looking at touji and kensuke from inside unit-01 during the 5th atack,i could crush those two..."no..."i could just crush those two for what they did,then make an excuse."SHUT UP!!!WHO ARE YOU?!?!"shinji screamed at the top of his lungs,wheezing he looked forward.

looking at himself siting inside the eva,his doppelganger closed it's eyes,turning it's head towards him...a grim started to form, then it turned into a smirk with yellow pointed teeth.

. . .

it's eye's opened...

"oh GOD..."

revealing two orbs of pure darkness with red dots for eyes.

. . .

"I aM YoU"the thing then laughed a demonic laughter,shinji lost it and started to scream trying to hide somewhere...

but there was nowhere else to go...

. . .

help me...

**_jssdf old headquarters_** **40 minutes ealier...**

asuka looked at the destroyed jssdf head quarters,it also didn't escape the wrath of third impact,but maybe one of the bunkers could be intact...asuka walked at the bunker.

"tsk...eletronic locks,how the hell am i gonna-"asuka looked at the wires leading to a higher place on the jssdf camp."maybe the electricity still works?"

asuka climbed the stairs to the construction that would 'hopefully' be a working power station,but as asuka climbed,she saw a failure of infinity holding on for dear life not to fall down the mountain side,it was not alive,it was just...hanging there lifeless.

she saw what it was holding on...a structure that used to feed the whole camp with eletricity,asuka was aliviated,now her only wish would be that the station would ACTUALLY work,she took a peek at the device to measure the L-density in the air."it's good enough,the team can comepick us up...hopefully the brat didn't wonder off to a denser part of the barrier..."

asuka got inside...but there was another obstacle...the failure of infinite was holding one of the engines of the generator,"of course it has to be more complicated,how the hell am i gonna make it work now-"

asuka saw a arsenal of ammunition and explosives on her way here...maybe she could use the explosives...after all,the core like structure was less dense than concrete,she could blow the hand off.

**surroundings of the mountains of tokyo-2**

rei ayanami didn't know why she felt that he needed her,she didn't know why she was taking action without orders...all she knew was that he was in pain...and that she wanted to help him."why...why am i so worried about ikari."

she remenbered the last time they spoke,he seemed upset that she was not 'his ayanami',"i am not rei ayanami...then who am i?"rei wondered.

she remenbered that she was designed with 2 purposes only,pilot the eva and follow orders,she remenbered the red pilot of wille and her words on the eva while the fourth impact happened.

**_"how should i know?!what will YOU do?!"_**

she ejected,because something in her was wrong...that feeling on the pit of her stomach,she didn't like that feeling,all she knew was that she wanted to help ikari to stop feeling the pain he was displaying on their long journey.

**flash back**

it was night time,ayanami was ready to sleep when out nowhere-

_whimper_

"again?"asuka looked at the third child and saw him crying in his sleep,scratching at the sleeping bag,desperate for help,like he was agonizing.

rei stared,amused by that scene.

"is he gonna be okay?"

asuka looked at the ayanami type, surprised to see the thing showing concern,as far as she knew the thing only knew how to breath and walk."yeah...he'll be fine...a nightmare doesn't kill anyone..."

"nightmare?"rei asked confused,she never heard that word before.

asuka was not in the mood to explain but...she knew the brat wouldn't stop crying for a while,so...she decided to entertain the clone,"nightmares are images you see in your dreams,visions that you don't want to see or-"

**CRASH**

**"AAAAAAAH!"**

"or remenber..."asuka said holding her patched eye.

"is it a bad thing to have nightmares?"rei asked again,confused by the word.

asuka smiled at that question."yeah...most people hate to have nightmares,and every time they have..."

she looked at shinji,tears running down his face."well...you can look at the brat for an example..."she said pointing at the third child.

"why do you call him that?"rei asked.

"hmmm?"

"..'brat'..why do you call ikari that?"rei was confused by the nickname the red pilot called the third child.

"tsk...because he acts like a spoiled brat,he wants everything done his way,if not he'll just throw a tantrum."asuka still remenbered the fight in central dogma,he didn't listen to her...now look at what happened...

rei looked confused at the ikari boy."can't we do anything to help?"she asked curious.

"heh...no we can't...besides"asuka turned on her sleeping bag."i think he needs that...to learn a lesson."

"...what lesson?"

. . .

"that..."

**_end of flash back_**

"...he can't hide forever"rei muttered those same words...what's he hiding from-

**BOOM**

ayanami looked behind her to see a failure of infinite laying on a crater...smoke coming off it's hand..."..."

she started marching to were she believed ikari was"i need to help him..."

**back at jssdf head quarters**

asuka searched for an hour for the explosives,the detonator,and another hour trying to make the damn generator work,but it was all worth it,the generator by some sort of miracle worked.

she hurried to the bunkers,after opening the door she saw an radio emanating static,she turned the button,putting the headset near her ear,searching for wille emergency channel."come on...COME ON!"

**static**

. . .

**"this is an emergency channel of wille,if you are a survivor please respond..."**

"hello!this is captain shikinami!pilot of eva unit dash-02! do you hear me?!"asuka shouted into the mic.

**"...shikinami?..."**

**back at the wunder**

"colonel karsuragi!"shouted one of bridge techs.

"what is it?"

"emergency channel!is pilot shikinami she's in the old jssdf quartes in tokyo-2!"shouted the bridge tech just receiving the information.

"asuka...is the 3rd child with her?"misato asked,if he's alive she'll have him secured for extraction.

. . .

"negative!she says the 3rd disappeared during the travelling they made to the base."

"damn it!we need to find him asap...send an helicopter with an extraction team...we need to find the 3rd child,after finding shikinami,the extraction team will help asuka search for him!"misato shouted,this is not good,if he disappeared again something happened.

"right!"shouted the technician.

"what do you think happened for him to go missing all of a sudden?"ritsuko wondered herself that question.

"i don't know..."misato said."but...-

**mountain's near tokyo-2**

**_"i got a bad feeling about this..._**

shinji started to wake up to a morning sky,the sun high above."man what a nightmare,i hope it was the last..."but shinji's vision started to get less blurry,and he could see a black silhouette above him...

"did you have another nightmare?"rei asked.

. . .

"what are you doing?"shinji now noticed she was giving him a lap pillow,while her hand was resting on his head."i thought because you were sleeping on the floor,this would be the best course of action,to try and avoid any discomfort your neck may find in the future.

"right...but...why?"shinji got up and looked at her,why is she trying to be nice?as far as he knew she was clueless about anything.

"as i said...i only felt like that would the best course of action."rei said looking at him...same old blank face.

"besides..."she got up.

" what the red pilot said to me during our battle in central dogma,made me want to start making my own decisions..."rei said looking at the way she came from.

"okay..."well at least now she's starting to sound like...wait.

"what happened to me?"shinji said looking around,the last thing he remenbered before the nightmares was the...

"tree..."shinji looked around everything seemed the same but...

the only distinguishable tree was...red,he looked around franatically,"but what about the pond?!"shinji asked starting to hyper ventilate.

"...you mean that one?"rei pointed at a red pond with the same size as the one he drank from.

"no...it can't be...the water was crystal clear when i drank from it..."shinji sank,i really am starting to loose it.

"but the tree dropped me a-"rei cut him off as if she knew what he would say."a red leaf?"

"yeah but how can you...?"shinji started to get more and more confused,this has to be another dream,he looked at his thumb.

_*bite*_

"AAAAAHH- okayokay,this not a dream."shinji said rolling around holding his bitten thumb.

rei looked at him,a little upward twicht on her lip,"a failure of infinite fell from a mountain last night,i think that's what caused the leafs to fall and everything to shake."she said pointing to where she came from.

"then...everything that happened last night."shinji looked like he couldn't believe himself,he really thought that a divine tree was taking pitty on him.

"so...where's asuka?"shinji asked,looking at the 'ayanami'.

"asuka..?"rei asked confused.

"oh yeah,you don't know her name yet...she's the 'red pillot'."

"she was heading to a military facility,before i went looking for you,she said,'when you find him...tell him he'll be sorry when i get my hands on him'..."ayanami tried her best to sound just like the 'asuka'.

shinji shivered,he already tried to avoid the old asuka's wrath,now he could only imagine the world of hurt the new asuka would give him.

"well...i don't care...after all,i have nothing else to loose,neither do i have a purpose..."shinji said,walking through the forest,ayanami following close behind him.

ayanami remained silent,she really didn't know what to say...

"and to top it all off,i think i am gonna get locked up for my last little 'stunt'.."shinji said trying to joke about it,but regreting right after the headache started again,that's what i get for joking about that...

"who will lock you up?"ayanami asked curious.

"...misato,ritsuko...wille..."shinji said in a melancholic way,after all he didn't deserve to live,he took everything from everyone,as far as he knew,he was just like his father...

he remenbered what fuyutsuki said.

_"**your father is giving everything up to be reunited with your mother...even his soul..."**_

shinji took the photo out of his back pack,the photo of his mother and him,even back then i was just a scared little bo-"aaaaah!"

**_thump_**

"what now..?"shinii said,his face planted into something flat and hard.

"you fell..."rei said in a matter of fact.

"thank you,but...i think i know that part already..."shinji got up dusted himself,he tripped on a rock and fell down a little cliff to a main road.

this road had a beatiful view of the sea...well,as beatiful as it got...he remenbered this road,even if the ocean was still red back then,he enjoyed the times he saw the sunset on that road.

ayanami followed carefully after the 3rd child,she was a little taken back by the view.

shinji looked at her speechless face,"you know...when i look at such a sight as this,i just can't help but remenber.."shinji said to ayanami with a little happiness on his eyes.

ayanami curious about that asked,"remenber what?"

"the more simple times,me,asuka,misato,the original you

...my friends..."shinji didn't like talking about the past,it made him wonder how his friends met their ends during 3rd impact.

"the...original me.."ayanami heard about the original her,but unitl now,all she heard was something from the other pilot of wille.

"she was way more fun...".

shinji looked at her curious,"what makes you say that..?"

"i heard from one of the pillots,during the fight in central dogma."shinji now started to wonder what made her start to act more like a curious...semi-normal person."well...she was..."

"a little more open,at the beginning...she acted just like you...but as time passed she got more and more used to talking to another people."shinji closed his eyes,she was a clone of his mother,she was one of maybe a thousand that were made during these 14 years...

_drip_

ayanami now saw him...crying?

but as far as he knew...she was still his friend,even though 'she didn't have a soul',she was another person deserving a chance of happiness in this life,he still saw her as the shy girl that loved books and tried to reunite him and his father.

"i miss her..."shinji brushed away the tears,"i only wonder what she would say at a point like this..."she would smile and tell him that everything is alright..?

or she would hate him like everyone else for destroying the world?

"but.."shinji looked at ayanami,"if she is rei ayanami...then who am i?"shinji gave it a little thought after brushing away the rest of his tears,"you technically are her...but...i don't know how to say it...you don't act like her...you are different from her...you are-" shinji stopped mid sentence.

he had an hipiphany,she was technically rei ayanami,she just didn't know how to act or was never teached how to...maybe...just maybe he could teach her how he teached the original rei how to smile and enjoy life.

"well...maybe i can show you.."shinji smiled at her,showing an open palm,"what is...that?"ayanami looked curious at shinji's open palm,confused by the gesture,"is an invitation,maybe i can show you that not everything needs to be orders,that maybe...you can take your own decisions."

"okay..."ayanami took his hand and shinji walked to where he remenbered was the beach near tokyo-2,i don't have anything else to do,so maybe i can teach her how to enjoy life...

...even if she's not rei...

**jssdf base**

asuka just called wille,they were on france...they would take almost 2 days to come,she had to wait for them..."i wonder...if the doll found the brat."should've told her to bring him back if she found him..."could they actually be-

asuka shaked those thoughts out of her head,"as if...one is a catatonic near suicidal boy,and the other is a doll,none of them are gonna try anything funny."asuka layed down again,staring at the blue sky...

oh yes...i forgot about one thing..."the brat is gonna have a heart attack when she starts to melt..."the ayanami series are not made to last,if one doesn't take a recovering lcl bath every 3 days or so...they waste away...

i wonder how he will act...

. . .

nah...nothing to worry about...besides

**_he's not attached to her anyway..._**

shinji was playing on the road rails like his fingers were walking,"...what are you doing?"asked rei amused by the ikari boy actions,"i am enjoying myself...why don't you give it a try?"rei looked at her hand,"how do i do that?"shinji walk up to her and took her hand,"simple."the put her hand on the rail of the road,with her in index and middle finger up liket was standing up,"now you play like your hand is walking..."

rei ayanami didn't know what the purpose of this was but...she felt something when she did that,this was..."fun..."she did this following ikari close behind,she also saw his hand in the air like it was jumping...she did that too,she liked this activity...this was a fun activity.

"the beach is just up ahead,i think you are gonna like it."shinji remenbered the beach,his old teacher brought him there once because the summer was unbearably hot,shinji played a lot and...learned that sunscream is no joke,he still remenbered how much it hurt...

"here we are!"rei saw it was...red,just like everything else..."i do not see what's so special about this place."shinji looked disappointed,he wanted her to see the oh so clear sand,and the rocks,but this will have to do.

"come on you're gonna love it."shinji was really trying to make her smile,he showed her the water...he did it far away because he didn't want to dive yet again in lcl...he tried to mold the sand into a castle only to find the sand now had a very different texture.

"oh,i know!"shinji got up and dragged ayanami with him,"come on i know one thing that'll impress you!"rei followed"oh... okay."she was quite...amazed by how much the boy was dedicated to teach her how to 'enjoy life'.

shinji climbed a hill to where there was an edge,he sat there,"come on sit down,is almost time."rei did as she was told,"what time is almos-"rei looked ahead,the sun was setting,it made her amazed,"it's...it-"shinji cutted her mid sentence,"beautiful?"rei nodded,she never saw anything like this at nerv.

"everytime,i look at this scene,i find myself smiling..."shinji looked at rei,she was...impressed..."fair enough..."shinji sighed,it was not a smile but,it'll do.

"ikari..."this got shinji attention,"what is it ayanami?"rei looked at him confused,"why are you showing me this?"shinji looked ahead as in thought,"well...i think is a way of saying thank you,you took care of me when i was laying on the ground,alone."shinji looked at her with a smile on his face,"and...i think you deserve a chance to see this,i think you never experienced anything like his before...and i feel bad for you being used for god knows how long..."

"i still don't understand..."rei said looking ahead"well...how about this?"shinji took ayanami hand in his and then smiled.

"...i don't know what to say..."ayanami looked ahead lost in thought,"how about a smile?"shinji said...heh...as if she would...

. . .

she was smiling...

...that same old...

_sniff_

ayanami looked back at shinji,to see him...crying..?"are you...sad?"shinji got surprised by her question,furiously trying to wipe the tears away,"no,no,it's just that..."he looked ahead,"you smilling remind me of her..."ayanami tilted her head,"the original?"shinji nodded,"she used to smile just like that...when i rescued her from the entry plug,and after she showed up to class with those cuts on her fingers..."

"i am glad..."shinji started to feel a little sleepy as the time passed and the sun was long gone,he laid down,"you know...i can almost not tell you two apart now...all that is missing is you calling me by my first name..."ayanami looked at the boy, almost going to sleep,"and then i would be...the real,rei ayanami?"shinji nodded,"i am glad.."ayanami to shinji surprise smiled again looking at sea,where the sun just sank...

now shinji was drifting towards sleep,"you should rest too,tomorrow,i have another location in mind."shinji was already planning a visit to another sight he remenbered when he was a kid,they'll need to walk ALOT...but it would be worth it...

"goodnight...rei..."

. . .

"good night...

_shinji."_

_"how cute..."_

shinji heard that voice,oh god...please...not again.

_"it makes me wanna puke..."_

**morning at jssdf base**

asuka had just woken up by the sound of a helicopter,"finally..."it was the rescue team,she didn't know how long she slept,but it looked like it was in the middle of the day 12:00 am,"god...i didn't have time to sleep this much in month's..."

the helicopter landed and 6 soldiers jumped out,"captain shikinami?"the leader of the rescue team saluted,"at ease..."the soldier relaxed,"the colonel wants you to help on the search for the third child,she said that you could probably know his location..."asuka sighed,of course i need to help find the brat..."unfortunately i don't know where he went,he could have gone back to the denser part of L-barrier,or he could be on the mountains,he could be anywhere as far as i know..."asuka mused...i should have kept an eye on him...now is gonna take longer to go back to the wunder...

"well let's start already,standing here won't do us much good."asuka marched towards the helicopter,"we'll start searching for him near the village and the houses,if he is out there he'll try to find shelter."let's hope he didn't go too far...

...or did something stupid.

**???**"you know..."

darkness...as far as he could see,he was back in the worst place he could imagine...his dreams...or more acuratelly...

...his nightmares.

"...i thought you had respect for the dead..."the thing emerged behind him,"but for you to just.."the creature put a hand on shinji's shoulder,he looked behind him to see...

...ayanami?

"...to just go and try to replace her like that...even for me that's cold..."the thing mocked him,now making circules around him,as if it was a predator,trying to find an opening to strike.

"i-i am not-"shinji tried in a trembling voice to justify his actions...but he knew,whatever this thing was...it could make this nightmare even worst.

"tsk,tsk,tsk...i thought i presented myself to you..."the thing who had rei ayanami appearance,made a very disappointed look.

"i don't remenber-"

**"i Am YoU..."**

shinji held his head,kneeling to the ground.

"huh...do you remenber now?"the creature looked at shinji's frail and pathetic form.

shinji nodded.

"good...now for you,to just disgracefully try to substitute the friend you nearly destroyed the world...for...that thing?"the creature showed an image of the other ayanami.

"i only want her to be happy..."the thing looked at shinji then...that smile returned to it's lips...

"no...what you want,is to try to replace what's missing in your life,what you want is to try refill that gap in your heart."the thing walked in front of him,"because you think that by showing that sack of angel and human flesh kindness..."the thing lifted it's palm to revel a scene...the picnic they had at kaji's aquarium,"you'll have this back..."

shinji looked at that memory,he wanted that back...the happiness he had,before this hell began on his life...he wanted his friends back...

shinji lifted his hand...to try and touch the memory..."but the reality is..."only for the thing to smash it on it's palm."you'll never have this back...not in a million years..."

shinji felt the colors drain from his face,he felt fear,loneliness,sorrow and despair, because he knew deep down that...his twisted reflection...

...was right.

"oh...now we're being realistic?"the thing smirked,crushing his hopes and dreams was like a game for it.

"b- bu-but kaworu sai-" shinji got cut off again this time by a low laughter,that blew into a barking cackle,"ha ha ha,who? this guy?!"the thing yet again morphed l into his deceased friend,"do you really think that stupid angel,knew about anything other than the fact that you ARE a walking disaster..?"shinji was backed against a corner...but he wouldn't let this thing insult his friend's memory by calling him stupid."you know NOTHING ABOUT HIM!!

the thing mockingly looked surprised by his outburst,"oh really~?"the thing started to stroll towards shinji,placing a hand around him,"then let me show you...how wrong you are..."the thing place the index finger on the side of his head then...

**_"i can't belive that me,the first angel has fallen and been _****_made the 13th..."_**

he got used by your father...just like you,and when he tried to stop you...

...you didn't listen to him.

**_"stop shinji...i got a bad feeling about this..."_**

shinji looked in horror as he tugged at the spears on lilth's dead body.

**_"don't do this shinji..!"_**

"**_STOP YOU STUPID BRAT!"_**

shinji fell down again,tears streaming down his face,"now...do you see?"the thing kneeled down beside him,"he might have been an angel.."it got closer to shinji's ear,"but he couldn't stop a child from nearly destroying the world...again."the thing got up satisfied by it's job.

"and as i said..."the thing morphed back to rei's form,"you can cling to her all you want...but you'll never have her back."the thing stepped aside to show his old family...misato,asuka,rei and everyone he met at nerv,"and they..."the thing snapped it's fingers again,and the image started to darken,they aged and started to look at him with rage in their eyes...until they looked just how they looked at him on the bridge,"will never forgive you."

shinji didn't want that to be true...he wanted something to find comfort and hope for a better tomorrow,"yeah...they will never forgive me...but if i can do only one more thing right...is help ayanami again."shinji got up and stared at that thing with a little hope remaining on his sad eyes,"i promise...she will live on free at least!"the thing looked bored,huh,he's more strong willed then i thought...

**_*cough cough cough!*_**

it looked up...then it smiled from ear to ear...but not for long,"let's see about that...shinji ikari..."the world around him started to engulf him in darkness yet again...

shinji woke up to a coughing sound,he was still drowsy,feeling like the nightmare didn't let him sleep,"god...i am starting to think this is gonna screw my mind,more then i thought it would...shinji rubbed his eyes.

cough cough!

he looked beside him to see ayanami with her hand over her mouth coughing,"ayanami?"shinji putted a hand on her back,"are you okay?"she looked at him and tried to smile,"i am glad you woke up...i thought you wouldn-"

COUGH COUGH COUGH!!

"what's happening?"shinji looked worried,"why are coughing so much?"ayanami composed her self,got up and smiled at him again,"you shouldn't worry about it.."she offered him the same hand he offered her that day,"come on,i want to see that place you talked about.."

shinji was suspicious about her condition...but decided to let go of the question,for now at least,"right,i'll show you the old play ground i went when i was little."shinji said smiling,he took rei's hand and both of then went down the road,i don't want him to know,i don't know why...

but...i fell like if i tell him about my condition now...rei looked at his hand sadly...

...it would make him even more sad.

**Euro nerv,wunder main deck.**

misato was agitated,for two thing's.

one.. her old ward was alive and roaming the surroundings of tokyo-2,without anyone around as far as she knew.

two...the rescue team just made contact with asuka,and now as their were talking...

misato was nearly about to loose her composure with her subordinate...

"how did you lost sight of him?!"misato looked at the audio only image of asuka using the helicopter comunication device.

"i told you already!"asuka didn't sound calm either,"i turned around and he was gone!"misato felt something was wrong,asuka was being very vague about the details...

"shikinami you're hiding something...i can see it in your tone."misato was trying to push asuka to spill the beans,this didn't make sense,she said he looked catatonic,and depressed,following her without uttering anything,then why did all of a sudden he decided to leave?

"either you tell me or i swear i'll-"

"i told him to kill himself..."

silence...

that was all you could hear on the wunder's bridge...even the technician's stopped working after hearing that...

"explain..."misato looked furious now.

"he was whinning about how had everything come to this...what went wrong.."asuka sounded a little ashamed by her confession,"i said,'if you want to stay here and die,fine,but don't act like a victim."asuka lied,she wasn't one for lying,but if the colonel knew she did something so juvenile as to berate a depressed 14 year old,for stumbeling on his feet,she would never hear the end of it...

"you'll have much to explain when you're back shikinami...but now,focus on finding him,we need to start planning for whatever gendo is plotting,and the 3rd child might know what it is.

"right."the window closed.

"status of the repairs!"misato shouted to the bridge techs."repairs to the evas 86%,repairs on the ship 78%!

"call me back when the repairs are nearly complete,we need the ship on the air and the evas ready for combat,all be away discussing future plans with subcomander akagi until then."misato turned on her hills and ritsuko followed after her.

as soon as they got to the conference room,misato was silent for a second..."do you think he would..."

ritsuko already knew where this was going...sigh"after hearing what asuka reported...i can only expect bad news from the rescue team..."misato wanted to be relieved,she wouldn't need to worry about shinji causing more problems...but as soon as that thought hit her mind,she felt dirty,she was supposed to care for him,one thing is making sure that the world doesn't come to an end...the other is to feel peace for the death of a person just because it's convenient,that sounded like gendo,and she wouldn't go as far as that man,and she just got word that he was alive,she will not loose him again!

"do you think he knows...what he is now?"

misato wondered,they didn't tell him that just like mari and asuka...

"that he is not human anymore?"ritsuko asked that herself,"might be one of the reasons he ran..."ritsuko sat down,oh how i wish i could smoke now,the atmosphere was so tense,she doubted even a positron canon could pearce it.

"until we find him,we can only hope for the best..."ritsuko looked at her old friend,she never saw misato so worried about something,she always played with wild card's when it came down to decisions,but when it came down to shinji's life,the wowan wouldn't blink for a second until she knew he was okay.

ritsuko could imagine how worried misato was about her ward,after all...she just got him back..."and he was inside the geofront,maybe he could give us information on gendo's little scheme..."

"do you think he'll collaborate with us,after what we acused him of so far?"ritsuko now had a serious face,"after all he has seem...

**_...i doubt he'll deny anything now..."_**

shinji looked at one of the places he spent most of his childhood,the little park...i know it sounds ridiculous but...

i really hoped this place was spared,it was one of the few places where he was happy during his long days at his old teachers house,he would end his chores and go to the little park to play with other kids...until he got too old for that.

but still...

it broke his heart to see his old memories like this.

"what is this place?"rei asked amused at the scene of twisted metal and red sand...

"this was where i spent most of my happy days."shinji walked up to the sandbox,he remenbered building a pyramid with his friends.

"did you live here?"rei asked,shinji nodded negatively.

he pointed to a house that had a hole in the sealing,"my teacher's house..."

shinji didn't like this place,after the heavenly memories he made,when misato took him in...this felt like something he would love to forget.

"what's wrong ikari?"rei asked,he looked angry,like he didn't want to be here...

"i hate this place,the only reason he allowed me to be here...was because my father paid him to take care of his 'useless son'."shinji remembered it all so clear...he was never part of the house,he was treated like he was a student that lived with him,he educated him,but never treated him good.

"heh..."shinji laughed a little,"i remenber...as soon as i got here he said..'don't expect me to pamper you like your mother would,you'll look,cook and clean after yourself',he never liked me.."nor did he try to hide it.

"why would he say these things to you?"rei asked feeling a little agitated by his statement.

shinji shrugged,"who knows...i think he didn't like the idea of taking care of a kid that it wasn't his own.."oh...i just remenbered too...

_the first time,i 'disobeyed' him.__. . .__i still have the mark on the back my hand..._

"where is he now?"rei asked curious,she would like to 'talk' with them.

shinji looked up,"beats me...and i wouldn't care if he died or something like that.."wait...

what am i saying?!

he took care of me,educated me..

...treated me like a maid...

"well...now you're happier?"rei asked him,shinji looked at her...she had a puzzled look on her face.

"not really,i think by educating me to behave,he tried to teach me to face the real world instead of hiding..."shinji said,he didn't hate the man,but he felt like his life could have been a lot more easier if his teacher wasn't so strict.

"does it also have something to do with the red pilot..?"rei wondered.

"the red pilot...the people of wille,i think everyone now doesn't like me..."shinji looked down at his hands,"after i did...i don't think i like myself either..."shinji remenbered why he felt so useless,after fighting that angel in central dogma 14 years ago...he finally accepted that he was the only one able to stop then,but now he was stripped of his one meaning...he felt lost,why am i here?

"what does like mean?"rei asked,shinji stared at her puzzled face,people that didn't know rei ayanami would call her,emotionless or cold,but shinji knew why she was like this,she was like a child that didn't know what most thing's were or what they meant.

"like is when you feel like you want to be close with something...or someone..."shinji remenbered misato's face,that cheerful wowan that...despite not being obligated to,she took him in with open arms.

"i want to be close with ikari..."rei said reaching for shinji's hand,"or shinji..."rei said blushing,shinji looked at rei amazed,had he guided her in the right diretion?

had he finally teached this rei how to act around other people?

had he-

**_"rEpLacEd ThE OthER..."_**"

SHUT UP!!!!"shinji screamed at the top of his lungs,"I TOLD YOU I AM NOT TRYING TO REPLACE HER,I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY,I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

shinji was crouched over holding his head,now that thing would start to haunt him on the real world,he couldn't take it,not in here too.

"shinji..?"

shinji looked up to see a scared rei,looking at him,worried,"i am sorry ayanami,i didn't mean to scare you.."she must think i'm a freak or something...

"who were you talking to?"rei questioned there were only the two of them.

"no one,i am just a little ill that's all..."shinji said scratching his head nervous,"come on,i think the sun is about to set,and i think you love to see those 'beatiful colors again."

rei began to smile again"that would be-

COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!

"ayanami?"shinji rushed over to rei who fell down on her knees coughing,"are you okay?"just as shinji said that-

**THUD**

**. . .**

he heard something hit the ground,as he looked to the side...

ayanami's arm looked like it detached from her body...being held only by the plug suit...

shinji was mortified by this sight..."w-what the hell is happening..?"he got up and started to back up slowly...

"ikari..."rei looked at shinji her lips melting and passing by her teeth,falling on the floor...

"a-aaah- ahhh-"shinji didn't know what to do...so he did the only thing he knew...

he ran...

he ran past the play ground...he ran as far he could...

"shinji..."rei fell feeling exausted,she passed out.

"NOWAYNOWAYNOWAYNOWAYNOWAYNOWAY!"

WHY IS SHE MELTING,WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME THAT!

why am i running?

i did it again...

i showed her kindness,she took care of me...only for me to run like a coward again...

shinji fell to the ground...not believing what he just did...he left her,she was probably suffering and he left her alone...

"oh god,now she won't ever forgive me..."i can't go back...i am too scared!"

but she looked like she was in pain...i need to help her!

but i don't know what to do!

shinji was in conflict he wanted to help...but all he could do was...

"be there for her..."that was what he was thought a friend would do...stay beside one another,even in the most hard times...

he got up..."i need to go back..."shinji took his first step towards his teacher house...

god...i feel like my heart is gonna jump out of my mouth...

rei woke up again,"what's happening?"she remenbered her arm and ikari running...

"i am dissolving...my at-field...is getting weaker..."it was her time...it mattered not,after all she could be replaced...

but...

she wished she could talk one last time to shinji...

she heard footsteps...

"ayanami!"she heard him call her.

shinji was right in front of her...he looked...scared.

god...what do i do?!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

what would i want people to do if i was melting...i would be scared...

shinji rolled her up,rei was loosing a little skin from her face.

"ayanami..."rei was happy she could only smile from one side

"you...came...back...why?rei asked her voice weak..

"we're friends,we stick together even in hard times...but what's happenimg to you?"rei didn't want to answer this question,but she felt...she needed to tell him.

"my...at-field is getting...weaker...without my medicine...and the lcl preservation...i will fade away..."rei said as best as she could.

shinji looked confused"fade away...what do y-"

then it him like a ton of bricks...she was dying...and he couldn't do anything to help her...

"no...please...don't go...not you too."shinji started to get blinded by the tears,he was about to loose another friend,he just got to know her,after loosing kaworu...he would loose another friend...

"i am...sorry.._."__ wheeze _"but i didn't want to make you sad..." _wheeze _"again..."rei was having a hard time getting her words out...

"who said i am sad?"shinji tried to look cheerful.

"huh?"rei looked confused at shinji.

he brushed the tears aside,"come on!"he adjusted her on his back,"we are gonna watch the-"shinji got the words stuck on his mouth,"b-beatiful colors,you oh so love."

rei was confused,but she really liked those colors...she just didn't know why ikari was crying...

i gotta remain strong for her...i can't ruin her last moment...

**_. . ._**

**_[max richter-on the nature of daylight]_**

shinji took her to the road side again,stoping at a little cliff that was just large enough for two people to sit...

"welll...here we are!"shinji settled her beside him,"ikari i can-"

"whoa!don't fall on me now!"shinji laughed nervously,"we still need to see the sun!"

rei was settled in front of shinji,nestled under his chin...this felt nice...but,"ikari...why are-"

"being so nice?well you deserve to witness this one last time don't you?it's the least i can do."shinji talked like he wanted to avoid something...

"but i am replaceble-"rei was cut off again,"well...not for me you're not..."rei looked up at shinji's face..."you might not be the original rei...but i still care about you."

"are you happy?"shinji was surprised by this..."of course i am!why would i not be?"that was a really bold lie...

"then why are you crying..?"

that was it...

"i..."

he couldn't keep this façade up anymore...

"i don't want you to go..."shinji started to tear up again...

"but i am replacea-"

"NO YOU'RE NOT!"

this got rei of guard...

"shinji..."

"you're my friend...I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIME'S ANY OF YOU SAY YOU'RE REPLACEABLE!"shinji looked at her face...

the sun was just setting...

"THEY CAN SAY YOU'RE A DOLL,OR EVEN A ROBOT...BUT FOR ME YOU'RE REI AYANAMI!"shinji couldn't keep it together anymore...he just wished he could do something about this...

"thank you..."

shinji looked at her...she had...

a genuine smile on her...

"for allowing me look at this...again...but to tell you the truth..."shinji felt something wet hit his hand...

rei was...crying...

"i don't wanna die..."this broke him...he felt like he would explode at any second...

"i want to stay here and see more of those places you like,i want to stay here with you and try to help you smile too...try to make you forget those nightmares that you hate so much...i want to stay here with you!"rei was now shedding more tears than shinji.

he saw now,if he was scared...he could only imagine what rei was feeling now...

"but at least...i can spend this last moment with you...shinji..."rei looked at the setting sun...

"you know...i noticed one thing...after the beach...you never called me rei again-cough COUGH!"

shinji held her tighter," ALL CALL YOU REI AS MANY TIME'S AS YOU WANT!"shinji felt her grip on his arm loosening,"just don't go..."

silence...

"rei...?"shinji looked at her...

she was...

. . .

dead...

[alan wake-the clicker]

"why...i don't understand...after i get close to anyone in the past,i would hurt them...now.."shinji struggled to keep it together,he felt like he was gonna explode...fuck it..."now ...THEY'LL DIE!"shinji lost the last strength he had not to wail to the sky...

she looked scared,like a child that didn't know what was happening,scared of the unknown.

the sky turned dark...

as the screams of sorrow of a young man reached the sky with such force...it looked like the earth was shaking...

**_AAAAAAAAAAAAHHGHHHHHHHGGGGHH!!!!!!_**

"what was that noise?"one of the remenbers of the rescue team..

"it sounded like it came from behind the mountains!"one of the soldiers shouted.

"it's him..."asuka whispered..."hurry we need to get there now!"what did you do now idiot?

**_so sad..._**

shinji looked at his side...that thing again...was he dreaming again?

"as much of a pleasure as i would get from giving you hope,only smash it..."the thing now looking lile shinji ikari but...that unnerving...yellow...grim...

"no...after miss doll over ther-"

"shut up!"shinji wasn't putting up with this now...

"oh...what are you gonna do?i might be visible in the real word now...but that's only because you lost it."the thing mocmed him.

"i...lost...it?"shinji asked not really caring about the entity,actually he didn't care about anything anymore...

"come on...your little 'friend' just died in your arms...do you really think that's a normal thing to happen?"he was right...

"but...i couldn't leave her to die...alone."shinji held rei cold nody tighter.

"well... now she's dead,and with her weird friend not wanting to let go of her body."the thing said matter of factly.

"are you gonna stay in there and..just hug her until you both stink of rotten corpse..?"the thing looked disgusted by the scene.

"she's still melting...you know..."the thing didn't saw any reaction from the boy...he got in fornt of shinji,waving his head in front of his darkened face.

"hellooo? anybody at home?"until...

"goodbye rei...i'll see you soon."shinji said to rei's body,he got up,placed her on the wall on the other side of the road...then started to walk to the edge.

"see her soon?"the thing asked amused by that statement,shinji walked up to the edge of the cliff looking down...a couple of rocks at the bottom...

"what?do you actually want me to believe you're gonna-"fear...

he didn't sense fear...he sensed relief?!

"you said you're me right?"shinji said without looking away from the rock's below.

"then..."shinji turned around...a smug grim look on his face..."i'll enjoy putting an end to not only me...but, _you too~"_is he trying to mess with me?!

"AS IF I BELIEVE THAT SHIT,THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL JUMP!"shinji was starting to enjoy messing with this thing...but.

he really wanted an end to this...he could only imagime the nightmares he would start having after this day...

"you couldn't save her..."the thing said...salive dripping from it's yellow mouth.

"NoW yOu ARe GonNa taKe ThE coWArdS wAy ouT."the thing said with that smile steetching with each word...

"yeah...i am a coward...but if all i can do is cause the death's of other's..."shinji opened his arms in a T stance,with his chest full.

"No YUo CAN'T"the thing screamed.

"OH.. i can..."

he jumped.

"AND I WILL!!!"

"**_NoooOOOOOOOOoOoo!!!"_**

the first time i ever defied someone..

god...i was so scared...but...that..sensation...

that liberating sensation...

i am gonna die...shinji help his body grow cold at the thought...

at least i won't hurt anyone anymore...

asuka...misato...everyone...

_"i am sorry..."_ he whispered...

**_. . ._**all that you could hear that moment...was the sound off something hitting hard against the ocean...

**_morning came upon the old tokyo-2_**

asuka and the other rescuers found the clone's body...

but the third child was nowhere to be found...

"captain we need to be honest..."one of the rescuers said..."she was placed in front of a peek with foot marks ending at the edge leading nowhere...if he did jump from that high up against the rocks bellow...he might have...

"i don't care,if you wanna make excuses do that to the colonel,but i am not convinced he is dead unti-

"WE'VE FOUND HIM!"

that got asuka and the other rescuers attention,they rushed to the beach...

asuka arrived to see two of them near the third...

"HE NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION ASAP, HE HAS A SKULL FRACTURE!!"asuka saw,he's face was red,his hair a mess,mixed with blood and sand...

lcl might be a cushion liquid...when you're ALREADY on the liquid...

if you hit it full force like say,you have a pool of it...and jumped from high above like 30 meters...is like going 200 an hour and hitting a concrete wall...

one of the recuers radioed,"takatsuki!we need the helicopter nere now!"they started to look for more wounds...

asuka looked at everything playing out,he really did it...

asuka heard all the screaming in the back ground as she looked at his frail form loosing blood...

"what have i done?"asuka said looking at her hands.

"captain!"that got asuka out of her stupor..."huh?"asuka saw shinji being loaded on the heli.

"we need to go now!"

"right..."asuka got inside the helicopter...

"the colonel is gonna kill me..."asuka whispered...

**. . .**

**_little bastard...you actually had the guts to defy me...and to jump off that cliff...heh_****_... hehehe..._****_impressive...but as soon as you wake up...i'll see how much you'll have changed from this..._**

**_sorry for the mess on the last chapter,i am still trying to learn how to use the app..._**

**_and sorry for the messy spelling,but i'll do my best so you can enjoy this madness i am building,i want to take my time,make this long and entertaining,tell me what you think about the music choice for the moment..._**

next chapter:

misato finally gets to see shinji ikari again,but...how will she react to his condition,how will the members of wille react to his suicide attempt...

and...

**_what changes did that thing said he would under go...?_**

find out in the next chapter of

evangelion 3.01.0 shinji ose ikari


	3. changes

**Chapter 3:change**

The measure of intelligence...

is the ability to change.

**Wunder docks**.

misato just heard what happened...

he was hanging by a tread...

how could this happen...

was she so blind that she did not notice that...

even after he did all those wrong things...

destroyed the world...

went against her will...

left her...

he was still just a boy...

"HURRY"shouted one of the medics running to the heli-pad.

asuka jumped from the chopper's door to allow the medic team to get to him.

asuka looked at misato...

"colonel i-

"don't say anything."misato comanded

asuka looked surprised by this.

"he hurt himself out of his own free will...you couldn't imagine this was gonna happen..."misato said.

but deep down misato wanted to shout at asuka,scream 'why didnt you help or stop him!'.

but just like ritsuko said...

the wunder and the crew needed it's captain...she couldn't throw this fit.

the medics rushed with the unconcious third child to the emergency,as they passed the colonel...

she got glimpse of his face,wrapped like a mummy with blood staining the upper part...

the wunder still needs it's captain...

i'm sorry shinji.

**emergency room**.

_but i can't choose you over this war..._

the medics were shocked that this boy was alive...

"he has a cracked skull,concussion,very severe blood loss and CORE poisoning."the doctor said surprised by this,core poisoning would drive someone insane,but he knew who this boy was.

the pilots are not human,much less this young man...

"we need to stabilize him quickly!"the doctor said.

"but if he lives...he might have brain damage or worst!"said one of the nurses.

the medic gave her a furious look"you wanna say that to the colonel?"he said.

the nurse immediately took her words back...the colonel was a great leader,but also one of the most fearful women in the entire ship.

"let's begin..."the doctor said.

i'm sorry...

but we can't let you go yet...

**???**

. . .

what is this place..?

am i...dead?

shinji only saw darkness...

he didnt feel anything...

he just...

was there...

"well...well..."

shinji heard that voice...

"no..."

his dark reflection appeared yet again before him,but now it looked normal...

if you ignored the slit's for eyes...

"why...i thought YOU WOULD BE GONE!"shinji shouted indignified by this...he just wanted this thing gone!

"well too bad!"the thing said.

"you forgot that i am part of you...and besides...i am not going anywere..."the thing said laying back on nothing.

shinji was...

_empty_

like he didnt care anymore...

the thing smiled...

"so...are you ready to talk?"the thing asked.

"talk..."shinji said confused.

"yeah,talk...is not like you have anything better to do..."the thing said.

"why do you wanna talk?"shinji asked in a stoic voice,"all you did up to this point was torture me out of your own pleasure,why should i listen to you?"shinji said,taking a little pleasure on denying the creature's wish...

"hmmm...interesting..."the thing said rubbing it's chin,amused by his thoughts.

"but the reason why i am torturing you,is because you asked to know what lead you to this point in your life,and you asked to know the truth."the thing sit cross legged,looking shinji in the eye.

"i am gonna ask you this third child..."the thing got serious...

shinji hated this being with all his heart...but if he was gonna try to help...

plus he didnt have much of a choice...

"try me..."shinji said.

"okay..."the thing paused.

"what do you wish for?"the thing asked.

"huh?"shinji questioned.

"you heard me,what does your heart wish more than anything..."the thing asked.

shinji gave it a long thought.

"i want to be happy..."shinji said a little sad.

"then stop trying to please others that don't deserve it...and do as you wish."the thing said.

"but...when i try to do as i want,i end up hu-"

"liar..."the thing cut shinji off.

"up to this point you only did things to please others..."the thing held five fingers up.

"your father,misato,asuka,kaworu and your mother..."the thing said.

"you only brush this thought off because it's selfish and seems 'wrong'."the thing said.

"but it is wrong...right?"shinji asked the last part,doubting his own words.

"let's see...you giving up your happiness so others can suck you up emotionally,then leave you on the floor like trash after they are done using you..."the thing said.

"i dunno but...seems like they are the ones who are wrong..."the thing said with a little distaste.

"this doesnt make sense...no one ever did that to me..."shinji said confused,did they?

"well let me bring out the list..."the thing joking like he had a long scroll on his hand.

"your father only wanted you so he could use you to get his wife,your mother back...and he didnt even consider your life worth shit,trying to please him you took your worth and threw it in the trash."the thing moved on "misato only wanted you because you were the only one that could drive that Eva,she pushed you to drive it because her survival was on line,and her job too,you put your life on the line because she threw duty on your hands,now she plays dumb like she didnt take part on our mistakes.."

"that's not true...why are you saying this..."shinji asked getting a little revolted by those statements,he hated his father,but misato woudnt do that...

"asuka only used you so she could have her personal chef,and use you like a maid,and never once thanked you for what you did for her,neither did she do anything to help you,and to top it all off she is one to blame too,were was she when the 10th attacked?"the thing said.

"stop..."shinji didnt wanna hear this...

"oh yeah her selfish need to pilot eva,got her to drive that 'test unit',and she blames you for her stupity,either way she was gonna get hurt...you did your best to save her and how does she retribute?"the thing said looking at shinji's face,signs of stress but...he seemed to have mutual feelings surfacing...

"she spits on our face..."the thing said almost getting heated up himself.

"kaworu was a good Friend...yes,but he couldn't forsee the events that would take place,he coulnt stop us from nearly destroying everything again,out of trying to save him...you caused his death and made everything worst."the thing said,being a little easier on the the fourth example.

"but you know...the person for me at least that takes the 'shit award'?"the thing now seemed even more revolted.

"our mother..."

"no..."shinji started shaking his head.

"left us so she could work on her little project,then left us with that excuse of a father...that made us take the course to the events at hand."the thing now had gone too far.

"whoa,whoa,whoa...why are you saying this?"shinji was shaking "i don't need you telling me this lies,i know she left me,and didnt thought on how her son was gonna end up,i don't want to hear this..."shinji was shaking...

"...WHAT IS IT WITH YOU,HUH?!"shinji was tearing up out of rage.

"you want to find happiness pleasing the people that only take from you,that give nothing in return for your kindness...and when they do give something back...they throw bread crums on your face...and you gladly take ithem...like some starving homeless person."the thing said a little amused.

"stop...please,i know it's the truth...but i still want to have hope..."shinji clinged to what shred of good memories he had...his dreams for a better tomorrow.

_his memories of the __past..._

"hum..."the thing knew this was not gonna last.

"Love dies third child..."the thing stated.

"...rage is the path that will start to set you free."the thing said,with confidence in it's words.

"OW...god..."shinji held his head" what are you doing?"shinji asked his reflection.

"i didnt-"the thing felt that sharp pain too.

. . .

"seems like we are not as dead as we thought we were."the thing mused."it matters not how you feel...your changes are starting...you'll see the folly of your way's in no time..."

then shinji remained there,with his dark reflection...pondering if his hopes were a possibility...

or...

just a dream that he needs to wake up..

**medical wing.**

sakura stared at ikari shinji's frail figure on the hospital bed.

she had been crying"why would you do this?"

"you are the hero that saved us from the angels,yeah you messed up...but that's no excuse to try to take your own life away..."sakura said brushing a tear"how did this happen?"

mari was standing in the room with sakura and asuka.

asuka looked like the guilt was eating her alive.

"soooo princess,how's your superiority complex now?"mari asked.

"four eyes i am not in th-

mari was serious...for the first time ever...

mari makinami looked like she wanst joking about the matter.

"i heard what happened..."mari got up and brought a chair besides shinji's bed.

"who told yo-"

"words spreads around like fire..."mari started stroking his head,carefully avoiding the injury,i can only imagine what was going through your head...mari thought.

believe me...i think i know how that feels...to loose a purpose...and yourself...mari thought,reminding herself of her 'trials', before she became the oh so "amazing eva pilot" she was now,sure she had sometimes of hardship,but that was how life worked.

"i didnt want this to happen..."asuka said ashamed of her actions...

"yeah...i know...but you forget that other people have their own problems,you kicking me i don't mind..."mari said a little dismissive"but kicking someone like puppy boy,while they're already down...i don't stand around and let that happen like it's okay without giving a piece of my mind."

mari got up and started walking out of the room

asuka was surprised,all these years and she never saw makinami so upset about something...

"mister ikari..."sakura was holding his hand..."please come back soon.."she begged the person laying on the hospital bed.

she let go of his hand,got up and started to walk towards the door,avoiding eye contact with asuka.

all asuka could hear after sakura left..

was the beeping of the heart monitor...

"hey..."

she took out his sdat player from her jacket's pocket..."the clone on the cliff side was hanging by a tread,she was in bad shape...but begged me to deliver this to you..."

she put it in his hand...

she started to walk towards the door...

before she left,she took a last glance at him...

. . .

i know that was a scary visage...to see someone melt alive...

but you could have at least have spared her the vision of you jumping,asuka thought,that was really messed up thing to do...

**wunder unknown room**

misato and ritsuko were talking about the next step on ending this war.

"if we study the anti-lcl mechanism enough,we can maybe reverse third impact."ritsuko explained.

"but.."misato already knew it wasn't gonna be that easy...it never was...

"but...we don't know what gendo is up to..."ritsuko looked down in thought,they never knew what that man was up to...either he was toying with them,or he was failing plan after plan and didnt want to admit defeat...

"it matters not...we'll find a way to obtain victory by any means necessary."misato said.

"maybe..."ritsuko started,but was afraid of what would happen if she pushed the subject in her mind forward.

"maybe...what?"misato asked.

". . ."

"speak up subcommander,if you have an idea to help win this,we need to take advantage of it."misato said with authority.

"when the third child wakes up...he might know,if we interrogate him..."ritsuko said.

". . ."

"i know he has a head injury,but we need to try an-"

"you're right."misato cutted ritsuko off.

"i am?"ritsuko knew she was,she just didnt...expect the colonel to be so straight forward with the idea...her old ward was on a emergency room with severe head trauma,and may not be the same if he wakes up,that is if he doesn't become a vegetable...

"we are in war subcommander,we need to exploit every single resource we have."misato said,but she said in a way that was unnatural,like she really didnt care for the boy's health,she really said like she only had her worry's on this war alone.

"i see..."ritsuko said.

i don't know if i should be glad..or scared that you're so focused on this war now,ritsuko thought in awe.

"we need to study the anti-lcl mechanism,maybe we can build another version."misato said,starting to head towards the door out of the room.

"come on,we need to start research on it."misato commanded.

"of course colonel."ritsuko answered.

you really changed a lot these past fourteen years...but i still miss your drunk behavior sometimes.ritsuko thought,a little sadness reaching her thought's.

_i only wonder what will happen to you..._

_if we win this war..._

_what will you do.._?

_and..._

_what will make you keep going forward..?_

**wunder's cafeteria.**

asuka never looked forward to meal time...the paste could taste different,but to her the texture was ALWAYS the same,it was food paste for god's sake!

she went for the usual seat...

when she sat and started to eat,she heard a conversation on the next table...

"yeah i heard from one of the guards of the medical wing...they said he looked in pretty bad shape..."one of the techinicians said.

"some people heard it was because he couldn't handle the reallity he created..."one of the engineers said looking at his food.

"hmpf...serves him right,he is the one who caused all of this!"Midori Kitakami,one of the wunder's main techinician's said.

"come on young lady,this is not the whole truth."kohji takao the older man said in distaste for the young wowan's ignorance.

"it's not..?"midori asked,a little confused.

"no...he may have been the one to start,but the thing only got REALLY bad when nerv started to trigger third impact with the ayanami series..."kohji said.

"so...the ayanami series is the main cause?"midori asked again.

"they are ALL part of nerv's scheme for instrumentality..."kohji explained,no wonder most didnt knew about nerv's businesses,the crew only knew each other for 3 weeks at best,the wunder had too many new faces to help use it's new 'features',and many of them were civilians still going through training.

"oh...that plan huh..."midori knew at least about instrumentality,the insane thought of merging everyone into one being,by dissolving everyone into soup.

"yeah,'that plan' most people fear and blame the boy and the ayanami series because of what happened before the containment of tokyo-3...so much so,there's a rumor that colonel and the subcommander lied to him about his sync with the eva,and the 'original ayanami's' location."kohji said trying to get the young wowan's attetion,for at least once she started to take insterest in what he said,instead of calling him an old man.

"they did...?"midori asked confused,these kind of histories were one of the few entertainment the crew had on this ship...

"yeah...they did..."someone else spoke...

midori,kohji and some people of the table looked at the source of the voice...

it was was liutenant maya ibuki...

"liutenant..?"midori asked curious...

"yeah...i know why they lied to him..."maya said,not showing much interest in eating the paste in front of her...

"well...why?"midori asked leaning towards the other wowan,even kohji was curious about this...

"because not only the colonel wants to keep shinji out of the eva for his own good and our sake,but the original ayanami is not human,she's half angel and too dangerous to have back,that's one of the reasons she only extracted shinji out of the eva..."maya said,she worked with rei before and knew the girl ment no harm,but she said the same about shinji...and look what happened.

"wait...i know the boy can cause an impact but-"

"its not only because he can start an impact!"maya interrupted the engineer's monologue.

"it's because...he is already dangerous enough outside the eva..."maya said,shivering a little.

"wait,WHAT?!"midori shouted.

"shhhh,keep quiet midori..."kohji said,not wanting to call attetion to their little 'chit chat'.

"that doenst make sense maya...is he that dangerous to begin with?"kohji said a little confused.

"he's the son of two of most brilliant minds we ever seem,gendo is a wicked and dispicable man,but he has us in a vice grip,yui ikari helped create the evangelions...and the boy took many tests...his iq is 150..."maya said a little fear rising from her...

"well...that's...impressive..."kohji said.

"you never saw his psychological report...did you kohji?"maya asked the older man.

"no...why?"kohji asked...

"he never putted much effort in anything,...even in the test result...he said...and i quote...'i only did it because,i didnt have anything else to do..."maya said grimly..

"so...how actually high is his iq score..?"midori asked.

"when he was 9,people said if he actually tried to put much effort into anything..

his iq could be as high as 170..."maya said.

"with his little 'infection' brought by the eva deep synch rate...all and i mean,ALL his abilities can be four if not five times more advanced than the normal human being. .."maya was starting to loose her apetite even more with this conversation..

everyone was silent.

the dread for the boy growing even more after hearing this informarion...

"but..."midori started,earning the attetion of all tree.

"wouldn't that be the same case with shikinami and makinami?"midori asked.

"no...they are different..."maya started to explain.

"asuka got infected with an angel,her infection is...incompatible with her body.."maya said.

"makinami syched with her eva to abnormal dephts,she is also,like asuka,she is sort of human..."maya explained.

"but...shinji..."maya paused.

she looked down...this was not a good idea...the crew already feared him enough...but with what he has done to them...making them go through all this hell...

"he is the first human to fully adapt 100% with eva's contamination...making him unpredictable...he synched with an eva in god hood,sure he might not be able to start an impact by himself..."maya explained,the crew looking more scared by the second.

"but he might have anything from the angels...regenerarion,unbelivable streght and so on...he might even be able to create an at-field without an eva..."maya dreaded the last part...

"that means that he could..."midori said,more fearful of the boy than ever...

"he could kill everyone in this ship...even the heavily armed guards."maya said,now she really didnt want to eat.

"that's why the colonel was being so cautious about him,i always wondered why he was strapped and held at gun point when she brought him to the bridge..."kohji said,the old man wasn't one to fear,he lived enough to know there was no logic in fearing death...but to imagine a fourteen year old boy being able to unleash hell on a fortress ship like the wunder brought chills to his spine...

"that idiot won't do such a thing..."

everyone from the table looked at asuka in the next table...

"if i know one thing about that brat,is that he can hardly kill a fly..."asuka said dismissive.

"are you sure about that captain?"midori asked asuka.

"yeah,i know him since me and maya worked for nerv 14 years ago,when we were fighting the angels..."asuka relieved some of the people on the next table...

"you remenber how he is...dont you ibuki?"asuka asked maya.

"yeah...i remenber..."maya said a little sai,she liked the boy at some level,but when he said 'i don't care what happens to the world...her view on him changed...

"he is still the same spineless idiot..."asuka said,a little happiness in looking at the past.

"if one thing we know is..."

**???**

_he's not able to kill anyone..._

"DIE!DIE!DIE!...WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE!!"shinji was trying to strangle the life out of his doppelganguer.

things went south after the thing started to toy with the idea of his mother using him like his father,and saying to shinji that his mother might not even see him as her son,but as a tool to be used and discarded.

"he he..'choke'..he"the thing was only playing along, he coulnt die,only if shinji died...but he was finding amusement that this boy was trying to strangle him,the same boy who was afraid of his own shadow...

this might not be a big thing...but in the long run...he might start accepting himself...his darker self...the thing thought in complete ecstasy"you forgot...that i am you...i only die...if you die..."the thing laughed at his face.

shinji got off him...

"hmpf...now..."shinji got up and started talking.

"is MY turn to ask you!"shinji said in an authority tone.

"oooooh,look who grew a pair...try me then...what do you wish to know?"the thing mocked him.

i really hate this guy...

"can still hear your thoughts~"the thing laughed.

"okay then..."shinji breathed,trying to calm down...

"what do you want to acomplish by changing me?"shinji asked...

he he he

"i want you to abandon your morals that bind you to the very people that destroy your life...i want to give you the happiness that you deserve..."the thing said sweetely.

then a dark yeallow grim appeared on the thing's face.

"i want you to relish at the misery of the people that wronged you!"the thing started to laugh louder.

"I wANt YoU To EmBrACe tHe meAnINGleSS WoRlD aS it Is!!"the thing started to morph again into something even shinji coulnt describe...

"HA HA AH AHA HAA AAaaaah..."the thing looked at shinji...

aaaah...he is wetting his pants again...

shinji tried to put up a stoic face,but that thing was starting to scare him out of his mind...

"o-o-okay...'gulp'..."shinji still feared this thing...no matter how much he remenbered that all of this was on his head...

"hmmm...as the saying _goes...ahem...So over you is the greatest enemy a man can have and that is fear. I know you are afraid to listen to the truth-you have been raised on fear and lies. But I am going to preach to you the truth until you are free of that fear..._"the thing said like a poet on the most inspiration filled moment of it's life...

"the...truth..?"shinji was starting to take interest in this...thing now.

"you fear the truth that will set you free..."the thing making a dramatic pose,almost in a dancing posture he invited shinji...

"what are yo-"

"dance with the devil shinji ikari...start to learn who you really are,what are your darkest desires,peek into the abyss and start set yourself to break your boundaries..."as the thing chanted a moon appeared and a bunch red roses started to fall as in a dramatic scene,suspense building,music started to play on the background...

i heard that music before...shinji thought.

**{Rammstein-mutter}**

"come child..."the thing said sweetely...

what if that's another trick?

but...i don't feel any sort of ill intent on his part...

shinji took his hand.

a slow yet shy dance...

dancing as equals shinji and his reflection danced this sad and melancholic music...

**FLASH**.

"doesn't your mama love you shinji?"asked a kid in shinji's hiden memory.

"i don't know..."young shinji said looking down.

"oooh that's sad."said another kid.

"kagura!yuki!come on we need to go!"said the mother of the two kids.

"okay!"said the two.

"bye shinji,we'll build the sand castle another day!"said the kids as they left.

"mama!ha ha ha!mama!"

"guh..."little shinji ikari started to tear up...they didnt even finish the sand castle...

"mommy..."little shinji started to tear up.

"why did you leave me..."little shinji was crying a little.

"don't you love me..?"little shinji asked still crying...

"i-i-..."

"I HATE YOU!"little shinji buried his fist into what should have been a sand castle...

**FLASH**.

"uhh..."shinji was still dancing with his persona...he was tearing up a little.

"if you want it to stop you can just let go..."the thing said almost in a friendly tone.. . .

shinji wiped his tears away..."no."

the thing smiled a sweet smile"good..."

they paced themselves...

the melancholic music continued it's decent into madness...

**FLASH**.

"but i want to go out with my friends and play...i promised them..."little shinji was trying to talk to his teacher that wouldnt allow him to go outside...

"no,and that's final young man!"his teacher said.

"but...why?"shinji asked.

shinji saw his teacher reaching for something,it was a rule-

**!!!.**

shinji felt that ruler hit against his hand,he was kneeling on the ground with his fore head touching the ground.

blood dripping from his hand,that ruler was slim...but it was made of iron.

"you wanna know why?!?"the teacher lifted his shirt.

the teacher lifted the ruler in the air and brought it down,aiming for shinji's back.

**_!!_****_!_**.

"AAAAAH!"shinji screamed in pain as felt the ruler hit his bare back.

"HERE'S WHY!AND IF YOU QUESTION ME AGAIN I'LL BRING THE RULER TO TEACH ANOTHER LESSON ABOUT TALKING BACK TO AN ADULT!"the teacher shouted,the smell of booze on his mouth.

"mommy..."shinji called out to his mother."mommy..."

"your mommy and daddy abandoned you!"

**FLASH**.

_THEY DON'T LOVE YOU!_

shinji felt his legs growing week as this song went on...

"still want to continue?"the thing asked...

shinji was mortified about this memory...

"please...show me..."shinji begged.

the thing smiled.

"now..."the thing said,a dramatic pause...

"the CLIMAX!"the thing shouted.

then it hit shinji...

ALL AT ONCE

**FLASH**.

_WOTHLESS CHILD...__WHO WOULD LIKE SOME WIMP...__YOU NEED TO LEAVE...__._

_. .__YOU'LL DIE ALONE...__AND__. . .__NO ONE WILL EVER MISS_ YOU!

NO ONE NEEDS YOU!

YOU ONLY THINK OF YOURSELF!

**FLASH**. . .

the thing looked at shinji...

he seemed furious...

thought he would leave before i could end...maybe this will be faster then i thought...the thing thought with a smile on his face...

"now you see shinji ikari?"the thing touched forehead's with him,almost in a sweet way.

"people will take all you own if you allow then..."the thing explained.

"now..."the thing let go of his hand...

"let us see how you will interact with the world around...you after this..."everything went white...

"thank you..."shinji said...

_shinji understood what the thing was trying to tell him..._

_people are not saints..._

_they WILL take whatever they can..._

_if you allow them..._

_. . ._

_and i am sick and tired of being sillent..!_

**wunder pilots bunkers.**

asuka just got into the bunker...

Mari was seating there...

sigh...

how am i gonna break this ice?

"makinami i-

"save your breath princess..."Mari didn't look away from the game she was playing...

"what..?"asuka was confused by this.

"you can say you're sorry to puppy boy when he wakes up."Mari didn't look mad...it looked like that whole ordeal didn't happen.

"I know I screwed up,but-

"oh...you screwed up...BELIEVE me you did..."Mari was now smiling...

she is mocking me again...

"I fucking hate you..."asuka said in indginified rage.

"I know...but I am serious princess."Mari said.

asuka sat down besides mari.

"does he really affect you that much?"Mari asked.

"I was originally trying to impress him you know...he always cooked putted up with me...hell..."asuka almost laughed.

"one time I kicked him in the chin and he just took that and didn't complain..."asuka remembering 'fond memories'.

makes me wonder how he still alive to this day...Mari thought.

"I was trying to..."asuka stopped.

"trying to..?"Mari drifted her gaze away from the game and-

.!

she's blushing

asuka looked at mari and regretted it.

Mari was carrying a stupid grim on her face...

sigh...

"I was once trying to win him over..."asuka closed her eyes for the barrage of mocking mari was gonna make...

but...

it didn't happen...

"that's sweet~"Mari looked genuinely happy.

"shut up..."asuka blushed.

"but...what made you give up?"Mari asked curious.

. . .

"I couldn't beat wonder girl...she was so dedicated to him that i-

"gave up?"Mari cutted asuka off.

telling her this...was a bad idea...

"sounds to me you're making excuses to stop trying..."Mari said poking asuka on her pride,Mari always found fun in making the red head mad,no matter how much time passed...

...it was always fun~

look just-

**SIREN**.

**_alert nemesis series approaching the outskirts of euro nerve,pilot makinami and shikinami please present yourself to the eva bay's!_**"

well..."Mari said getting up and stretching herself.

"ready to rock and roll?"Mari turned and winked at asuka.

and here I thought she was mad...

"let's go four eyes..."asuka ran just a few meters behind mari.

_I'll deal with him later.__now..._

**wunder medical wing.**

_I got a job to do..._shinji ikari just woke up...

**!!!**

explosions roaring in the background...

he knew about that...

but he couldn't react...

he was still so tired...

he looked to his side...

someone sat cross legged on a chair...

"jus rest...you don't have streght to even lift a finger now..."

shinji closed his eyes...

even in the real world this thing won't leave him...

at least shinji didn't think he was so bad after...

well...

I'll think about this when I wake up...

as he said...

even with the explosion and sirens in back ground...

_shinji fell yet again into world of shadows._

_to be contiuned..._

**_next time on shinji ose ikari..._**

"Here's to the crazy ones. ...

let the madness...

BEGIN!


	4. Isolation

**Chapter 4:****isolation.**

**_Isolation_**

**_is_**

**_a grandual form of torture._**

**Surroundings of the AA Wunder.**

a massive swarm of bird like evas where coming straight for the Wunder...

**Wunder pilots bay.**

Mari and Asuka came running through the door straight for their evas.

"what the-"asuka looked...but she couldn't believe it,her eva was different...it looked more feral.

"the transformation into the 'beast mode' was not reversed...so they had rebuild it like that."Mari said as she passed asuka by.

the eva was a little hunched forward,were the mouth was sealed shut,you could see they needed to adapt the mouth mask to the eva's new sharp and long teeth.

"hey!"Mari shouted from her eva.

asuka looked at her...

"I think it looks even more cool!"Mari after saying that,she sealed her eva's door shut.

. . .

asuka smiled.

"shut up"

**unit-02 dash cockpit**

_asuka?_

_can you hear me?_

misato...

"loud and clear captain!"asuka said as she was finishing her new eva's configuration.

_nya!me too~_Mari cheered through the transmission.

_listen,we received visual of the nemesis series,looks like they are launching a random assault._

"but why..?"asuka questioned.

_we don't know...we suspect they are trying to slow down our research on the anti-lcl system._

"so we found it..."asuka stated.

_yes...but we need more time to study and try to copy it._"go out there and wreck them huh...seems simple enough,stay sharp four eyes!"asuka said to the other eva pilot.

_you too princess~_"annoying as ever..."asuka said that in defeat.

**wunder's main deck**.

"both eva's are ready to launch ma'am!"

said aoba.

"understood..."misato said that with confidence...but something was not right...

"a random attack...huh?"ritsuko said that a little suspicious.

"i'm just as suspicious as you are..."misato said.

"well...we'll think about this later..."ritsuko said.

gendo was never predictable,the bastard had always done things that they either knew or thought they knew...these 14 years passed they learned adapted,but still the enemie always looked a step ahead.

now is not the time to think about why would they launch this random assault...misato thought.

"eva's 02 and 08 launch!"

**Euro nerv.**

as the evas arrived,they saw a swarm of the nemesis series approaching...

"the old infantry with flight adaptation huh?"asuka mused to herself,she hasn't seem this type in a while.

_how long has it been since we faced these guys princess?_mari asked her partner though the communication channel.

"a while...maybe 3 months?"asuka said.

yeah these guys are push overs...even in great numbers they may be organized,but as soon as we break hell on their lines...they loose the battle.

"let's go four eyes!"

_here we gooo~_as the eva's clashed on the outside,something quiet yet dangerous was developing on the emergency room of the wunder's medical wing...

**???**

"these explosions..."shinji wondered if they were real...or just another nightmare ready come up...

_it's hard to tell when your grip on reality is slowly fading..._the thing said...

"but why..?"shinji asked.

"didn't you say that I was accepting the reality I was in..?"shinji was lacking only vision right now...he wasn't sleeping,he only had his eyes closed.

_you are...but to accustomed yourself to the difference between one from another is gonna take a while...and it doesn't help that they drugged you..._

"they drugged me..?"shinji was feeling a little groggy,but he imagined it was from his body being tired from the stress,not because he was drugged...

_obviously...did you think you were handling the pain from your head trauma like it was nothing because you man up a little?__pff...don't make me laugh..._

just as rude as he was on my dreams...

"...so you're not gonna haunt my dreams anymore?"shinji asked.

am i finally gonna have a good night of sleep?

shinji thought.

_did you heard what I just said?__god...no wonder asuka calls you an idiot...__no...I'M not gonna haunt your dreams,because I'm bound to your reality now..._

"is that...good?"shinji asked.

_maybe...__if you find good to have lil old me by your side 24/7..._

"but I thought-

_you always assume things are so simple...__let me ask you one thing...__did you find your place on this world?_

"no..."

_that's what I thought...__only when your true self rips through this facade you wore for so long...__will you find the meaning of why you were born in this world__ . ._

_mister ikari..?"_

that voice...

it was so familiar...

"mister ikari..?"

he opened his eyes...

**medical ****room**.

. . .

he looked around...

the light hurting his eyes...

"sakura..?"

"thank God you're alive!"sakura looked like she had been really worried...

"where am I?"shinji was still tired...

but he couldn't sleep...

"the wunder's medical wing...you suffered a severe head trauma."sakura said as she checked the medical equipment that he was connected to.

"the last thing I remember was...the cliff, then total darkness."shinji felt a sharp pain on top of his head...

God...I didn't felt anything...as soon as my head hit the water...I blacked out...

"yeah...you scared everyone here...we thought you wouldn't make it..."sakura said a little sad,damn it he destroyed Tokyo-3...but people forget that he was one of it's defenders...

shinji saw that sakura was holding his hand...then he remembered...why he jumped...

"...it would be better if I didn't wake up..."he shook sakura's hand off...

"what..?"sakura couldn't believe what he said.

"as far a I know...i only caused trouble for everyone...it would be better if i-OOOW

HEY!"shinji felt his ear hurt,then he looked at sakura to see her mad,really mad...

"don't you ever say that again you hear me!"first he disobeys her only wish,now he starts to have a death wish!

"why do you care,huh!?"shinji's sudden out burst made sakura back off a little,she never saw him mad...

"as far as I know everybody here threats me like I am some sort of thrash!"he couldn't believe these people,first they take his only chance to quit this nightmare,then they start to push this 'killing yourself is wrong' shit on him.

"who's everybody!?"sakura was starting to shout too.

"yeah you screwed Tokyo-3 up,yeah you screamed that awful wish for the whole world to listen as you disappeared to never be seen again,but the only thing the people of this ship ever did to you was give you a mean look!"

"DON'T BULLSHIT ME SAKURA!"

"uh..."now she was starting to question if this was the same shinji ikari of 3 weeks ago...

"YOU GUYS STRAPPED A BOMB TO MY NECK!YOU THREATED MY LIKE I WAS GARBAGE!DIDN'T BOTHER TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING WHEN I WOKE UP AFTER I LOST 14 YEARS OF MY LIFE!AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF LOCKED ME UP WITHOUT EVEN BATTING AN EYE LID!"

..man...I'm starting to feel I am gonna burn from the inside ou-

_giggle_.

oh for the love of God now who's-

shinji looked at the person trying to contain itself from laughing.

it was him...the thing...

"you-

"shhhhh,she's gone think you lost it if you start talking to me..."

shinji looked at the thing...

then the thing motioned with it's head for the boy to keep it's attention on the girl...

sakura looked hurt...but wasn't finished.

"yeah...we did those things,but we didn't do then out of malice,it was out of fear..."

"fear..?"shinji questioned.

"as I said you destroyed Tokyo-3,misato brought you back after they retrieved unit-01 because you're a threat to those around you when you are inside an eva..."

shinji remained quiet...he wasn't feeling guilty,these where no big news for him...he had time to reflect with that thing beating him to the dirt until he accepted what he did...

"yeah...Kaworu already told me everything..."

"Kaworu..?"sakura asked confused,she never heard that name.

shinji wasn't feeling guilty for his sins for the near fourth impact...but the memory of his friend's head exploding...was something he didn't enjoy to remember...

"the one who took my 'punishment' and died by that choker and YOUR hands!

"I didn't know...shinji,I am sorry for your friend...but your punishment is not done,and I fear it may get worse..."sakura knew what was gonna happen to him after he was fully healed.

shinji looked at that thing with a look of 'like this is some sort of news for me',

the thing shook it's shoulders like 'beats me' matter.

"so...what ARE they gonna do?"shinji was stoic,something sakura was unfamiliar with the ikari boy...and it started to scare her.

as if they can do anything to make things worse for me...what are they gonna do shoot me to death?!

shinji thought.

_"if they wanted you dead...don't you think they would've left you to die on the day jumped?"_shinji's evil reflection said.

"hmpf,yeah...maybe they'll give me a slap on the wrist or something like that."shinji said jokingly.

_"heh heh heh,joking about your punishment for almost destroying all of man kind eh?__you little soulless bastard..._"the thing grinned.

"shut the fuck up..."shinji said.

man he is starting to piss me off again...shinji though.

"mister ikari...who are you talking to?"sakura was getting worried now...

"no one sakura,just tell me,what are they gonna do?"God...when did I become this loud mouth,starting to scare myself...

"...'ahem'...well,as soon as captain katsuragi is able,she will interrogate you for information on what you saw on nerv and if you know what's your father's next move..."

"huh...doesn't seem THAT bad...but if I think about it...misato is gonna be a pile of nerves when she's done with whatever she is doing..."God I saw misato angry in the pass...I can only imagine her angry when she looks like that...

shinji remembered misato and her new look,It reminded him of his father,did they start to have a contest on who look's more intimidating?

giggle.

"I swear if you don't stop laughing I'll-

_"it's not me dumbass..."_the thing said looking at shinji ,then he pointed to a giggling sakura on his left.

"sorry...but it's good to see you are still yourself...sort of..."sakura looked happy.

I wouldn't like to be in the captain way as well when she's pissed,sakura thought.

"well...is that all?"shinji said a little ashamed he was letting this girl have a laugh at his expense.

then sakura got serious..."no..."

sakura took a deep breath...

"for the crimes of bringing yet another near impact...you're not gonna be put on quarentine..."sakura found hard to give the rest of the news to him...the interrogation was a myth,but this one was orders strictly given to her by the colonel herself.

"huh...well,where am I gonna be put then..?"shinji asked.

"_oooooh the suspense is killing me~"_the thing was as giddy as a child on Christmas eve.

"you're gonna be put on a solitary cell on the depths of the wunder's most fortified section...no contact with anyone unless the captain and only the captain herself authorizes."

"well...just as fair...but I didn't thought she would be that extreme..."after what I did...I think I deserve that...

shinji thought to himself ashamed.

"so what...?you guys are gonna lock me away forever,and throw the keys away until I rot in there?"

"NO!...you're gonna be fed and have all your basic necessities...but...no contact with any unauthorized person."I still think this is too much,after what he did,he won't drive an eva again...will he?

sakura thought.

"err...mister ikari..?"sakura was a little shy to ask this,like it was a stupid question...

"what..?"

"will you try to pilot an eva again..?"sakura was a little fearful of his response.

shinji smiled...

"you joking right..?"shinji smile got even more forced..."I'll never get in another of those things in a million years!"shinji said the last part a bit more irritated.

wasn't I weak or something like that...now I am almost jumping off the bed...shinji questioned himself.

sakura looked like she was about to cry...

"huh?"was she that hopeful that I would drive?shinji thought.

"thank God!"sakura jumped on him hugging.

"hey sakura!what are you doing!?"shinji wasn't understanding anything of what was happening here..."why are you crying!?what are those explosions outside?!sakura!you're hurting my ribs!!"

_"so how's the new relationship going third child?are you gonna ask her to be your little mommy?"_the thing said that laughing it's ass off.

"_fitting tho...she already takes care of you,the only thing missing is if she wipes you-_shinji was red as a tomato,his head was hurting,sakura was destroying his ribs,he couldn't breathe and that thing was mocking him...

he wasn't having anymore of that...

as if on cue,as soon as sakura calm down and got off of him.

"I'm sorry for the outburst mister ikari,but I'm happy that you learned to quit eva-

shinji was glaring at a chair,with a look that could put colonel katsuragi to shame.

"eh...mister ikari?"sakura asked.

**on the battlefield outside Euro nerv.**

"_NYANYA NYAAAAAA!"_

Mari was mauling the enemie evas like they were nothing,it was good that they arrived,she needed to blow off steam.

"four eyes!take this seriously!this might be a..-"as if I'm cue asuka looked behind her to see four Eva's running for the wunder with shields on their hands,protecting then from some of the wunder's artillery.

_unit 02 and 08!_

_four Eva's are heading for the wunder's location,they're starting a self destruct sequence!_

"-a DISTRACTION!"asuka ran with all her evas speed towards the four evas,the battle was making her so relaxed she forgot they where being outnumbered 25 to 1.

**wunder's main bridge**.

"captain!they're gonna try to kamikaze the wunder!"shigeru shouted.

"keep the artillery on then so we can slow then down!"one eva self-destructing was bad enough,FOUR of them wasn't something you wanted to be close to.

"everyone brace yourselfs for impact!"

everyone on the wunder's bridge held on for dear life...

**outside**.

asuka got to then one by one,throwing then for mari to dispatch then,the last one however started to build up speed even with the artillery on him...

"damnit come on!"

_10 SECONDS FOR IMPACT!_

_9_.

_8_

_7_.

_6_.

I didn't tell him that I was sorry for what i said...

"and I'm not gonna let him go again!!!"

**wunder's medical wing**.

"you know. . ."shinji started to hunch over and tear up a little...

sakura looked at him with a questioning look.

"after our little "dance". . .

. . .dance?sakura thought,as far as i remenber i never danced with him. . .

sakura didn't know who or what the third child was talking to.

but it was very real to him...

"but I really thought you would sto-.

giggling.

shinji covered his mouth,he didn't want to laugh,but this was getting ridiculous,he really thought after that little mind rape of a dance.

he thought he would be free of his reflection.

laughs*

"mister ikari..?"sakura was getting really concerned for his mental health,she didn't want to admit this. . .

but he was starting to freak her out.

shinji stopped laughing,and took a deep breath.

"...I actually thought you would be-.

"gone?"the reflection cut him off.

shinji looked at him,like this was a really bad joke.

"my sweet sweet friend,I am never going to s-.

**!!!**

_-TOP THAT EVA AT ALL COST!_

"come on!!!"asuka pushed her eva to the limit until..

"I got him!"but the eva didn't stop,it was carrying asuka's eva along the way..."shit!"

I need to get to the core!

asuka put the eva on a head lock.

_princess hurry up!!_"

shut up!"asuka reached for the core then...

SMASH!

she shattered it...

right in time when the eva hit it's head on one of the ships around the wunder...

asuka let out a sigh of relief...they're still alive...

_enemie evas silent!_

"thank God..."asuka was feeling like her heart was about to pop out of her chest.

_whooo!you did it princess!_"

hey...four eyes what did you do to the other eva-"asuka only saw eva parts skatered everywhere,and Mari's eva sitting crosse legged on top of a building.

_what?_

"never mind...let's get back to the wunder..."

_yes your highness~_.

**wunder's main bridge**.

_will you quit with the princess thing!?_

"that was close..."ritsuko said to her friend,misato was as firm as she was when this started.

"do you think they're getting desperate at nerv?"ritsuko asked.

"I don't know,but we need to stay on our toes,whatever gendo is planning,he might have a bigger intent behind it.

sigh.

as misato was taking her time to breath after that whole ordeal,one of the tech's got a call from the medical wing.

misato heard the call was from sakura.

"wait...he's what?

**wunder's hospitalization section.**

"yeah,just like I told you,he started talking to someone..."sakura looked behind her.

shinji was pale,mortified,like he saw a ghost...or something worst.

**wunder's bridge**.

"so... basically he's hallucinating?"

_"yes,he's looks sick and the colonel told me to tell her if he got worse or better."_misato heard a part of what sakura said.

"shigueru."

the tech looked up at the colonel.

"yes ma'am?"

"transfer sakura"s call to me."

the tech did as he was told.

**wunder's medical wing.**

_"sakura?"_

"colonel katsuragi!i don't know what's wrong with him,he started to talking to the air,then he went pale and is staring at a chair like some ghost is there.

shinji was still there mouth open,like he was hanging to sanity by a single air.

**_shinji p.o.v_**

"you know,it was entertaining to have you explore the memories you repress so much,but there's so much more progress to make!"the thing said as if it was a child on Christmas eve.

_progress?_

_that wasn't the end?_

"oh no,no,no my sweat shinji ikari,we didn't even get close to the rabbit hole,much less the abiss.

_rabbit hole?_

_abiss?_

_there something worse then his past?_

"oh there is".

the thing sat beside him.

"believe me there is~."

_no..._

"the events awaiting you,the destiny of your cursed life,whatever is gonna happen to you.

heh.

the thing looked at him,the yellow teeth showing.

shinji was starting to tear up out of fear.

the thing's eyes where gone.

the persob who said that infamous quote of...

it can't get any worse.

is a liar...

two empty sockets,staring at him,just inches from his face.

the monster got even more ugly as,his new reality changed,so did his inner demon,the more you challenge the monster in your dreams the more he adapts to your new persona.

shinji in his catatonic state had this thought.

_if what he faced was just the tip of ice berg,he felt sick of imagining what was waiting for him,or more accurately..._shinji looked up.

_how much worse is this creature gonna get._

"ooooh shinji,poor and stupid shinji...

the thing's breath was smelling putrid,like a bloated corpse.

shinji looked at the other way,coughing.

_if this isn't real...then how can I sm-._"

I am as real as you allow me shinji,I only look very nasty and hostile now because your mind perceives me that way,putrid,rotten you'll start to see me in the different light...

shinji was throwing up the little content he had on his stomach,it mostly spit and stomach fluid.

the thing looked at him and giggled.

"well...for your health,hopefully it will be soon~.

**wunder's main bridge.**

colonel katsuragi was relieved,but a little troubled by what sakura said.

"he must be having side effects of the brain injury...

ritsuko heard what sakura said.

"let's hope it's that..."

misato was infuriated,she wouldn't be out of the bridge for at least a couple of hours.

then she got an idea,it might be a bad idea in the long run,but she needed someone to try and keep him sane and safe.

misato got the radio and called for asuka.

**Eva's cage.**

after explaining everything that's happening to the third child,asuka was still a wreck from the fight.

"what?I need to babysit him again?but sakura is there and I just got out of a fight!"asuka was curious though about why shinji was starting to concern her about the whole "talking to no one" thing.

_"this is an order shikinami,I need you to keep him sane,he might have information about nerv's future agenda."_asuka took a deep breath.

"fine I'll go see the brat."

_"I am counting on you."_

asuka stretched,after keeping the brat company and after she apologized for what she said to him,she would hit the showe-.

"nyyyaaaaa,so you gonna go talk to the puppy!"

oh dear lord in heaven...

"four eyes he's in a very sensitive state of mind,i don't need you making a scene for him to loose his sanity."

asuka said pointing a finger at mari,she's gonna ask to tag along and I can't have two idiot's in the same space.

"nyyaaa let me just say "hi" to him~"

many a times mari made sure to asuka that no matter how much she insisted,she would tag along for something she wanted,no matter how serious or dangerous it was.

asuka pinched the bridges of her nose,I am gonna regret this...

"fine,but don't you dare make any weird comments or I'll kick out of the room!"

mari held her hands up.

"okaaaay,I promise I won't make any comments or weird moves on the puppy."

"...weird move-argh fine!come on!"

"yay!"

asuka and mari started to make their way towards the mwdical wing where the third child was located.

**recovery room.**

upon getting there she saw that sakura was patting him on the back...

and the third was pale...

sickly pale.

sakura looked at the visitors and was surprised.

"captain shikinami?"

asuka was dressed in her jacket and cap with cat ears.

mari just poked her head out.

"hi there puppy's medic~"

"oh makinami...did the colonel send the both of you to-.

"take care of him?"

asuka walked in with mari following close behind.

"yes,it will be for a short while though,I wonder why you didn't call another medic,seen that he clearly looks sick."

sakura looked at him with pity.

"he didn't looked so bad at first,but when he started to talk about "dance" with someone who inst there,I called the colonel.,she told me to inform her when he wakes up."

asuka got close to him,he looked like he just heard bad news first hand.

"hey...bra-."

when asuka touched him,she pulled back surprised to find that he was cold.

"humm"

mari got a good look at him.

she eyed him up and down,then stopped at his hand,she got his hand and...

putted in her breast.

asuka was red as sakura was now.

"FOUR EYES WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

asuka ripped shinji hand out of mari's breat.

mari scratched her head innocently.

"sorry...I thought it was gonna snap him out of it."

"perv..."

asuka was gonna talk to makinami about this,but she was right...he didn't even blink.

**shinji p.o.v**

_I can't...__I can't take this anymore...__the fear...__the cold...__red...__red...?_shinji looked up to see asuka.

"asuka?"

asuka looked at him square in the eyes.

"now you're responsive...what's wrong with you?"

shinji looked at his hands...he didn't saw anything wrong,but also he didn't feel right either.

"snow..."

asuka was confused by this...

"what?"

"it's cold...it's like I'm laying face first on snow,and I can't get up..."

shinji was feeling like he was gonna die,was his body finally giving up on him?

was this his soul saying enough is enough?

"god you're such a cry baby."

shinji looked down after hearing that,no matter much he told them,how much he complained,it was always the same...

"yes..."

shinji looked to his right,past sakura,his reflection looked the same, the yellow sockets,dry and sunken in.

"they always do this kinda of stuff,it's like you don't matter to them,like I told you.

...they always put their needs first.

"-they always put their needs first.

shinji and his reflection spoke at the same time,a kinship brief felt between the two.

_he's right..._

asuka was a little pissed about his statement though,she came here to try to help and this is how he repays her?

"now listen here you little brat if you think i-."

"shut up".

silence.

mari and sakura were surprised by how chilling calmn he was,asuka froze on her words but anger was still present and now rising.

"what did you say..?"

asuka looked at him fuming.

"look I'm sorry for being so harsh on my words,I swear to you I have my intentions..."

he looked asuka in the eye,anger seeping out of her as she looked at those pathetic tired eyes of his.

"...but you're really not helping right now,if you have something to tell,please do,but don't act as if you care about my health.

what was he saying?

of course she cared about his health,she wanted to argue with him but,she saw that whatever she said would make his situation worse.

she looked at mari,as if expecting an answer...

mari shrugged.

exhale.

guess I'll just let this slide...

"anyway...I need to tell you that..."

**shinji p.o.v**

_here she comes..._

"yeah,no matter how much you say to her to stop she just won't-.

"I'm sorry..."

_hã?_

shinji looked up.

asuka looked back at him.

"argh..look I'm sorry,what I told in the outskirts of Tokyo was childish,I shouldn't have said that."

he felt a little warmth start to rise in him,maybe the thing was wrong,maybe asuka was-.

**asuka p.o.v**

man...why is this so hard?

she looked at him and saw him a little more hopeful.

at least he's back to normal.

**shinji p.o.v**

"asu-."

"anyway the colonel told me to come here and comfort you..."

_confort me..?_

_but does she means that..._

"nothing that she said is true."

_but she said she was..._

"sorry?"

giggle

"do you actually believe her...look at her..."

shinji's shadow pointed with his thumb at asuka...

_that same look of disdain...__she really doesn't mean it..._

"oh and I need to give this to you..."

shinji looked up and saw...

**Youtube:tormented intense hybrid horror music.**

_t-t-t-th-the..._"the sdat the other ayanami was holding..."

the thing smiled from ear to ear,he turned towards asuka.

"this is gonna be interesting..."

"asuka..."

"where did you find that?"

asuka looked dumbfounded.

"what do you mean?the clone gave it to me,to deliver to you."

deliver to-.

"no..."

asuka looked at him,he looked like he was gonna have a panic attack.

shinji started to hyperventilate.

"she was dead!"

asuka backed off before she could try to calm him down.

"HOW CAN SHE HAVE GAVETHAT TO YOU?!"

shinji was losing his mind.

sakura tried to step.

"mister ikari please calm-."

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

shinji slapped sakura's hand away.

asuka saw this.

"hey calm down!"

"YOU'RE LYING!"

asuka was taken aback by this,he pointed his finger towards her.

"how can you say that she GAVE that to you?!

shinji was shaking from his despair,the conclusion was staring at in the face...

but he didn't want to assume that,he was holding hope towards his heart that asuka was lying...

asuka after a brief thought...understood what was happening.

"you're in denial..."

shinji looked mortified at her.

that cold look,she gave that look to him when they met each other again in interrogation room

"yeah third..."

_no..._...

**_She Was Alive When you jumped..._**

...

_no..._

_NO!_

_NOOOO!!!!_

his reflection was rolling over in laughter.

"GoOd JoB DipSHiT,You GaVe HeR FronT SeAtS FoR yOur liTTle sUiCiDe Attempt!!!."

his shadows started to bark out in laughter.

...

_"mister ikari?"_.

_she__ was alive...and I made her watch me kill myself..._

_"hey...brat?_"

_she saw that...and couldn't do anything to stop me...all she could do was...sit there and watch...__"_

_shinji...are you okay..?"_.

_she saw that because i was daydreaming...because I was trying to run from reality...AGAIN!_

_"shinji?"_.

_her last moment alive...was seeing me jumping off that cliff..._

_help..._

_!!!!__!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_why Is it getting so cold..?_

_!!!!__!!!!!!!!!!!!!!__!!!!_

_I'm gonna die..._

I'm gonna die...

I'm gonna die...

I'M GONNA DIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!

...

_..__heh_

_...__I wonder what she sai-_

_!__!!!!!__!!!!!!_

_SHINJI!WHATAREDOINGDONTJUMPPLEASEIAMDYINGYOUAREGONNALEAVEALONEPLEASEDONTGONOWHYSOMEONEHELPHIMICANTMOVE_

_SOMEONE HELP!_

_. . ._

_why...me..._

_"puppy boy"?_

_he looked around him...that girl in pink plugsuit...__everyone was looking at him..._

_they're judging me..._

._..__shinji didn't know..._

_I just want this to end..._

_. . ._

_there's no end..._

_now I know what he..._

_. . ._

_I said..._

_there will never be an end!!!!_

_this is only gonna get worse!!!_

_and worse!!!!_

_AND WORSE!!!!!_

_. . ._

silence...

he opened his mouth...

the despair...

the rage...

the fear...

"hey-."

**_!!!!_**

_nothing makes sense anymore..._

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**"

shinji started to scream his lungs out,the reality hitting him like a ton of bricks.

sakura had called the doctors...

they tried sedating him,but he just wouldn't stop...

**_"KILL ME SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!!!"_**

when they finally sedated him...

he loked wide eyed at the roof.

_. . ._

he bent himself in a fetal position and stayed in the bed,still trying to acknowledge why all of this is happening.

"heh heh heh"

shinji could see at corner of his eye,the thing looking right at him.

"and that my friend..."

shinji started to loose conciousness.

_"is just the tip of iceberg."_

. . .

mari looked at the scene played in front of her...

he needs someone else _to talk to him..._

_to be continued..._

**hey guys sorry for the lack of uploads,hope you guys are doing well on this pandemic,I'll try to keep popping these out for you people,but as I told I like to let it flow,I am afraid if I force it the fic will started fall on its ass.**

**next chapter...**

This thing all things devours;

Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;

Gnaws iron, bites steel;

Grinds hard stones to meal;

Slays king, ruins town,

And beats mountain down.

it's time...


End file.
